13 Guaranteed Ways to Totally Screw Up Your Kids

I recently read a fabulous article by Sherrie Campbell called "8 Guaranteed Ways to Emotionally F*ck Up Your Kids." Now, to be honest, I originally clicked on the article because I imagined it to be some mocking list filled with humorous fare, like, "When they're taking a bath, scream 'Shark' and run out of the room." Though the actual piece was a lot more astute, I'm pretty sure that would be totally scarring as well.

In fact, one moment of creatively messing with your kiddos (for your own amusement) could potentially last a lifetime (see Jimmy Kimmel). So when I finished the piece, I still wanted to read the sarcastic version. Who was gonna write that?

Since I've already written lists about the lies we tell our kids to stay sane and the Momisms we trick them with, I thought, why not me?

That said, here it is: 13 Guaranteed Ways to F*ck Up Your Kids (WARNING: DO NOT TRY THESE AT HOME, IF YOU WANT YOUR CHILDREN TO TAKE CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU'RE OLD) ...


1. Start their lives on trend with a unique name. (For inspiration, think of places, feelings, sites, or items you like, and slightly misspell them). "This is my son, Alasca, my daughter, Sentimentle, my twins, Pintrest and Instigram, and my 3-year-old, Iphone 4."

2. If your child tells you there's a monster under the bed, scream, "Oh, NO! He's back, he's back!" and run out of the house.

3. Tell your kids that you forgot to put out the fireplace, Santa’s in the hospital, and every kid around the world is blaming them.

4. If your child steps on a bug, claim it was one of your relatives reincarnated, then start to cry, "Now, you'll never get to meet Great Grandpa."

5. Act like you're on the phone with characters from their favorite shows to get them to do things. "I'm talking to Dora right now, she says she can tell, through the television, that you haven't brushed your teeth."

6. When you step on a Lego (and you will), fall to the ground and pretend the whole leg will need to be removed.

7. Give make-believe characters random habits. "Keep your mouth closed when you sleep, the Tooth Fairy is a kleptomaniac." 

8. When you fart in public, look at your child and say, "Really, again?" then look at a close passerby and whisper, "So gassy" while pointing.

9. Tell the kids that the stew they’re currently eating has the Easter Bunny in it.

10. When you want to get a stain off, skip the whole licking the finger and rubbing the stain trick and just lick the stain directly.

11. Tell your child that shots at the doctor are no big deal, unless the doctor isn’t really paying attention, and then he could accidentally make you into a vampire.

12. Tell your kids that they’re safe from the Boogeyman, unless, of course, they stay up past 9 p.m.

13. Send healthy oranges to school, but carve creepy jack-o-lantern faces into them, and when the kids get home, deny doing it.

That's what I needed. (PS: This is just for laughs ... not reference material.)

Well, give me your most creative ways to screw up the offspring?

Image via Jenny From the Blog/TheSuburbanJungle

Read More >