30 Signs You're Not a Parent

After getting such an amazing response on my "40 Signs You're a Mom" list, it dawned on me that those folks who don't have kids yet or don't want them have some pretty distinctive qualities of their own. Qualities that give us seasoned parents a chuckle at the mere thought of, like, not finding it a triumph to have an uninterrupted visit to the bathroom. Bwahahaha. Hahahah. Haha. Ha. (Okay, now I'm crying.)

That said, here are 30 signs you are NOT a parent.


1. Eighty percent of your conversations do not involve schoolwork, milestones, or poop.

2. You can't remember the last time you had a chicken nugget.

3. You get to curse freely and loudly so that it feels cathartic. (Words like SUGAR and FUDGE, no matter how loudly you say them, don't do the trick, but why would you know that?)

4. You don't make all your plans around other people's nap, sleep, school, or sports schedules.

5. You read books with lettering smaller than 24pts.

6. You don't sneak vegetables into your recipes like meatloaf, smoothies, brownies -- you just eat them.

7. You don't go to bed wondering how many times you'll be woken before morning.

8. Your house is clean.

9. You don't sound like your mother.

10. You probably don't know every sound that every animal makes and there's no urgency to learn. (PS: a donkey goes bray, did you know that?)

11. You don't have hand sanitizer in every purse, glove-compartment, or junk drawer.

12. You can go to the bathroom uninterrupted and it doesn't feel triumphant at all.

13. People still call you by your actual name.

14. If your clothes get a stain on them and you were the culprit.

15. You can stay out past midnight on a weekend without excessive yawning and possibly falling asleep while doing a shot.

16. You can still do shots. (Notice the plural.)

17. You don't have to arrange weeks in advance to go out on a Saturday night.

18. When you sing happy birthday, you don't say cha cha cha between every line.

19. You can watch TV shows when they actually air.

20. You have no clue what this month's happy meal toy is.

21. Your stuff, i.e., phone, ipad, jewelry, heels, sunglasses ... is exactly where you left it.

22. You can walk across your home without the fear of stepping on a Lego.

23. Toys, dolls, and games don't eerily start talking or beeping at 4 a.m., making you wonder if they're alive and if you should go turn them off while carrying a whiffle ball bat, light saber, or fake pirate's sword.

24. You don't even have the above items handy.

25. You can sit down through an entire meal.

26. Your car is cute, zippy, or sexy ... it doesn't smell like curdled milk ... and there aren't 1,000 loose Cheerios, Goldfish, or Polly Pockets rolling back and forth when you stop at a light.

27. The people you go out with will most likely keep their pants on when you're in public.

28. You don't even appreciate the fact that you get to listen to YOUR music whenever you please.

29. You don't have to look at anyone else's poop.

30. You don't know what it's like to be obsessed with some little being 24/7 and not be considered a stalker!

Spill, I know you can think of many more signs, so let's hear 'em ...

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