10 Ways Kids (Should) Keep You Skinny

I was flipping through an old magazine last week and came across an interview with a well known celebrity talk show host who has three young children. She was asked how she managed to stay so thin, and she responded that she had three kids to run around after, that's how! I snorted out loud reading the piece; if only that's how it worked.

Despite our children giving us ample reasons to be thin, it takes a hell of a lot more work than keeping up with them to be happy with our weight. Unfortunately. But here are 10 ways they should be helping that cause ...


1. The minute you sit down to eat something -- anything -- they decide they're starving. But only for precisely what you are eating. Buh-bye, food you wanted.

2. They are always sick, so you are always sick. And aren't you supposed to lose your appetite that way? (Apparently my stomach didn't get the memo.)

3. The fact that their bowels seem to have some Pavlovian response to the timing of hot food being served.

4. Their leftovers look nasty. Who wants to eat mouthed grilled cheese crusts? Oh, wait. They ate your dinner ... you do.

5. Ever tried splitting a single piece of dessert among three children? Impossible. So, better just to eat the whole damn thing yourself. 

6. They do keep you running around after them. Sadly, you've discovered how to eat and run at the same time.

7. The oh so kind way they have of boosting your self-esteem. "Mommy, if there's no baby in your tummy, why is it so big?"

8. They are disgusting. The way they pick their noses and admire or -- gasp -- eat the findings, talk about body parts and poop continuously, or engage in a constant who can fart or burp the loudest contest. Instant appetite killers ... or, not.

9. Kid food is gross! Chicken fingers, hot dogs, and peanut butter and jelly? No thank you ... except that they are not gross. In fact, rediscovering PB&J has been one of the great experiences of my 30s.

10. You're so exhausted and drained, you forget to eat. Never mind, that has never, ever happened to me.

Really, after dealing with kids, it's remarkable that mothers have any appetite left at all. In fact, I say we deserve to be applauded for not being skinny: look at the challenges we are up against!

So, if you're still hanging on to some baby weight, too (and your baby is totally not a baby), I offer my congratulations. Despite the obstacles stacked up against you, you did it!

Now go hide in the closet and have a brownie. You deserve it.


Image via Scary Mommy

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