In order to leave the hospital after having a C-section, Mazza first had to have a bowel movement. Without the toilet time, Mazza wouldn't be cleared to head home with her bundle of joy and this mom was ready to get out of there as soon as possible. Unfortunately, her body had different plans.

"While I was in hospital for the ejection Of the womb raider, I was asked constantly if I had passed gas. 'Have you passed gas?...' 'any wind down below?' 'You farted yet love?”" she wrote on Facebook.

But despite serious efforts, her answer was always the same: no. "I mean if you knew the smells I could produce you wouldn’t say this is a bad thing, but according to hospital staff, it was," she wrote. "Not even when the doctor informed me because I hadn’t tooted from my brown fruity, I would be restricted to a clear liquid diet."

Laura Mazza - Mum on the Run/Facebook

After suffering through one meal that "tasted like dirty water," Mazza was determined get things moving down there but couldn't make the sound happen that she so desperately wanted to hear. "I couldn’t even cough to save my life let alone do any anal audio," she wrote.

After having to admit to yet another nurse that she simply couldn't fart, Mazza took medicine that she hoped would give her the bowel movement those nurses wouldn't stop asking about. "Somewhere between 3 a.m. and 5 a.m. I let out a butt salute, it was so loud and hard it vibrated my cheeks and woke me up," she wrote. "I immediately pressed the buzzer and told them what I had done."

Unfortunately, the night nurse who came in wasn't up to speed on Mazza's gas plight so the excitement was lost on her. "It didn’t stink, it was actually very unimpressive considering the sound it made," she wrote. "It was as unimpressed as the nurses face who hadn’t read my chart and couldn’t care less that I booty belched."

Laura Mazza - Mum on the Run/Facebook

But Mazza's initial joy was short lived because despite in the influx of gas, she still couldn't poop. So Mazza continued taking the magic pills which only led to smellier farts but never the ultimate goal. "I knew that every time a nurse came into my room they were punched in the face with the smell, which I actually blamed on the baby," she wrote. "Yes a newborn baby. I was desperate."

The next night, another nurse decided to get serious and poured her some "sweet pooping nectar" that she promised would have Mazza sh*tting with the best of them by morning. "Around 2-3 a.m. I was happily nursing my baby (lies, my face was scrunched up like I sucked a lemon and I was dying from the baby piranha sucking the soul out of my nips) when my stomach started growling. There was a thunder storm in my colon and cyclone borborygmus was on its way and it was going to be explosive," she wrote. "I tried to unlatch the little gremlin but he immediately stared crying."

Mazza knew that if the nurse heard her baby crying, she would immediately come in. And Mazza couldn't let that happen during her big moment, so she tried to wait it out and kept nursing. "The grumbling got louder and the pains did ensue. I was about to shit my pants and although all dignity was lost when I gave birth, I did not want an audience when I was giving birth to the devils discharge," she wrote. "I tried again to dislodge the angry koala’s leach like suck on my breasts when he once again let out a squeal."

Laura Mazza - Mum on the Run/Facebook

Faced with either dropping dead from the pain while continuing to breastfeed or putting her newborn down and dying from embarrassment when the overzealous nurse came rushing in, Mazza made a decision:

"I knew what I had to do, what I said I never would do. I had to bring him to the toilet and I had to take a shit while feeding him. No funniness, no smart arse words here. You don’t shit where you eat! Everyone knows that. But alas, I was gonna breastfeed and take a shit and there was nothing I could do.

So I ran to the toilet and pretty sure I split my C-section incision I was that quick in there and lucky I was as quick as the flash too, because it came out like a wrecking ball. I Miley Cyrus’d all over that bowl and let out a four days of jelly and custard and disgusting broth. It kept going too, just when I thought it was done it would come back with more, but I got through it, and my crotch fruit? Well he had no idea and just kept sucking the life out of me happily."

After finally fishing and flushing around 50 times, Mazza knew she had to put the baby down so she could scrub herself and the toilet "to rid of all traces of numero due" so when the nurse did come back in, she wouldn’t know the explosion that had just gone down. "I opened the door feeling ten pounds lighter and who should be standing there, but nurse Elizabeth," she wrote. "My attentive friend, who smiled at me and said, 'Oh I’ll take the baby so you can wash your hands, looks like all that farting eventually led to something! You must feel great!' 'Amazing...' I replied. 😑."

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