10 Things New Moms REALLY Need to Know About Caring for a Baby

Remember that feeling of first leaving the hospital with your new baby? No, not the excitement over bringing a new life into the world or the relief over no longer being pregnant; I’m talking the “holy shit, where is my baby manual, are they really letting me go home with this thing?” epiphany we all suffer.

Unfortunately, there is no parenting book that tells you the things you really need to know those early days, but if there were, it would contain the following ...


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1. How to swaddle a baby who really doesn’t want to be swaddled.

2. How to decipher the hungry cry from the wet cry from the gas cry from the sleepy cry from the just plain pissed off cry.

3. Foolproof ways to avoid getting peed on while changing your son's diaper.

4. How to successfully transition a sleeping baby from the car into the house, so he/she doesn't wake up and decide the 10-minute doze counted as a 2-hour nap.

5. How to cut paper thin baby fingernails without suffering an anxiety attack.

6. How to transform well-meaning offers of useless help into help that will actually make your life easier.

7. How to keep a pacifier in a rear-facing crying baby’s mouth while driving 60 MPH on the highway.

8. How to identify the "spit-up face" three seconds before spit-up occurs.

9. How to appear somewhat presentable on two hours of sleep.

10. Ways to kindly say "mind your own fucking business" to well-meaning strangers offering unsolicited advice.


Image via Scary Mommy

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