5 Things Moms Should Never Say Out Loud (Or the Karma Gods Will Get You)

I've never been a superstitious person. I don't throw salt, knock wood, or obsessively stroke the soft severed appendages of woodland animals. (Seriously, that last one. Are rabbit's feet still a thing? Thinking back, that was a pretty gross trend. Why were they on keychains?) But ever since I became a mom, I do believe in the cosmic principle according to which each parent is rewarded or punished in one instance according to that parent's statements in the previous instance.

In other words, I believe there are certain things you should never, ever, EVER say ... unless you want the Parenting Karma Gods to strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger. For instance, these 5 payback-triggering statements:


"I think he's finally sleeping through the night!" Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh girl. That's great that you had seven consecutive hours of blissful restorative sleep last night, but you just doomed yourself to a months-long every-two-hour wakeup routine that will CRUSH YOUR WILL TO LIVE.

"She always takes a two-hour nap at 11 a.m., so let's do the conference call then." Ring ring, hello? Hello, this is your Crying Non-Napping Baby Who's Teaching You the Shitty Lesson of Never Assuming Any Routine Is a Sure Thing, are we reaching?

"She's such a great eater! She loves everything, she's totally going to be my little foodie." Uh huh. And with that playdate-withering announcement, Little Miss Adventurous Eater will suddenly and inexplicably refuse every single food on earth with the exception of Saltines. Not the whole-wheat/low-sodium kind, either.

"I started giving my kids fish oil and no one's been sick in weeks." You didn't. You DIDN'T. You violated the Golden Rule: you verbally acknowledged your family's health streak. Well, there's nothing that can be done now. Go stock up on children's Motrin, Kleenex, and Pedialyte -- and get out the barf bucket.

"He's so smart for his age, I think he's going to be a breeze to potty train." Sniff-sniff. Do you smell that? It's hubris. Well, that and the giant load your son just dropped in his Spider-Man underwear.

Are there any parenting karma statements you'd add to the "never say it out loud" list?

Image via Scott Ableman/Flickr

Read More >