Valentine's Day Should Inspire These 16 Other Hilarious Made-Up Holidays

My husband was offended by last week's column on what those candy sweethearts should REALLY say. Well, maybe not so much "offended" as defeated.

Since I was suggesting we replace "BE MINE?" with "R THOSE UR TOENAILS?" he assumed I wasn't that into it, and suggested we just skip the whole thing.

There is only one reply to this: No FREAKIN' WAY!

So maybe our pillow talk isn't what it used to be and I totally get that V-day is a Hallmark holiday. But even a cliche, revenue-driven holiday is a great excuse to enjoy a meal that doesn't involve a kiddie menu or cutting someone else's meat or having to ask "Who keeps kicking me?" 50 times. I wish Hallmark would make up more occasions to celebrate with a card and a romantic dinner, like:


1.) "I Got the Stain Out of My Kid’s Sports Uniform Day"

2.) "My Child Actually Listened The First Time I Said It Day"

3.) "The New Starbucks Barista Finally Remembered My Drink Day"

4.) "I Got Through The Bachelor, The Real Housewives of _____, or American Idol Without My Kids Interrupting, My Husband Making Fun of Me, or Falling Asleep on My Face Day"

5.) "My Child Didn't Poke, Flick, Lick, or Write Something on His/Her Sibling Day"

6.) "I Didn't Burn the Toll House Squares Pre-made 'Foolproof' Cookies Day"

7.) "The Dog Didn't Pee, Vomit, Poop, or Hack Up Grass on the Carpet Day"

8.) "The Baby Didn't Pee, Vomit, Poop, or Hack Up Grass on the Carpet Day"

9.) "I Showered Three Times This Week Day"

10.) "I Slept More Than 5 Hours (In a Row) Day"

11.) "My Clothes Don't Have a Stain I Would Have to Taste to Place Day"

12.) "I Had a Good Reason to Brush My Teeth Day"

13.) "No One Rolled Their Eyes at Me With the Attitude of Someone a Decade Older Day"

14.) "I Had an Uninterrupted Bowel Movement, Hair Drying Session, or Phone Conversation Day"

15.) "I Got Through a Chapter Without Reading the Same Passage 10 Times Over Day"

16.) "I Was on Time for an Appointment Because No One's Underwear Hurt, Ponytail Was Askew, Video Game Wasn't Over, or Favorite Snuggie Was Lost."

Yep, I’ll take a card, a meal, and flowers for just about anything. Guys, you should try acknowledging this stuff, but be warned: It may pay you back in dividends.

What holiday would you like to see?

Image Via Jenny Isenman/

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