10 Reasons I Never Want a Baby in My House Again

Babies are pretty awesome, aren't they? They smell great, they have that precious little giggle, and they're just too darn adorable.

My two boys are much older now, 7 and 9 to be exact. So it's been quite awhile since I could hold them in the crook of my arms. In fact, the only chance my wife and I get to do that is when we see another couple's little bundle of joy. We smile, play with the cute little guy or gal, and tell the parents how beautiful their little baby is.

At this point, most guys are running to the hills, waiting for that biological clock to scream at your wife to pop out just one more while there's still time. My wife's clock either has the best snooze button ever or she tossed the batteries long ago.

Whenever we see a baby, we both look at each other and say in unison, "Not a chance!" If you need a reason for our baby-proof stance, I can give you one. Heck, I'll give you 10!

  1. I can actually sleep peacefully in my own bed without the sheer terror of accidentally rolling over and crushing the little guy next to me.
  2. I no longer can tell you which insanely painful cartoons are on TV at 2 a.m. And 3 a.m. And 4 a.m. ...
  3. My nose doesn't have the eternal fragrance of A&D or Balmex keeping it company anymore.
  4. No more cabinets full of dozens of tiny little jars of baby food, which would instantly trigger my gag reflex if I ever smell another strained pea again.
  5. We had our kids two years apart, and my wife was a big supporter of nursing. No way I could go another two or four years to get those girls back!
  6. Three words: Infant car seats. Even Houdini would have trouble setting those things up.
  7. I'm a guy. We hate changing clothes. Heck, we hate getting dressed. Having to change my shirt nine times a day thanks to the spit-up machine is pretty darn low on my "List o' Fun."
  8. Apparently, like dogs, babies will put just about anything in their mouths that they can get their hands on. That means no Lego sets. No puzzles. No beer bottles. No fun.
  9. There is nothing worse than waking up in the middle of the night when you have to go to the bathroom REAL badly. You race down the hall, run to the toilet ... and can't get that friggin' toilet lock to open. Baby-proofing can be real painful if you're not a baby.
  10. Whether it's a 1-day or 10-day vacation, packing with a newborn is a nightmare! You pretty much need to rent a U-Haul to fit the box of diapers, crate of wipes, the pack and play, two strollers, toys, books, 400 extra outfits for the baby, oh, and then your luggage too.

What do you miss least about having a baby in the house?

Photo via christina rutz/Flickr

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