20 Things I Don't Miss About Having a Toddler

jasperEvery so often hear it: A toddler throwing a massive tantrum out on the street. The screaming and yelling filters through my apartment window. And I think to myself, damn I'm glad my kid isn't a toddler anymore. Thank god that doesn't last forever.

And that's why I'm going to parent hell. Bwa ha ha ha ha! Look, I treasured every moment my son was a toddler. Everything was still new to him. It was exciting to see his first attempts at independence. Really, it was. But I am so glad I'm no longer spending hours and hours at the playground. Because after your 5,000th visit it kind of starts getting old.

Here are 20 other things I don't miss about having a toddler.


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Scooping the occasional poo out of the bathtub.

Safety locks everywhere. Now I can just open my cabinets the regular way!

Toddler TV. Not that we ever! (Hah.) But why are the engines in Thomas the Train always so cross? And why does Caillou have to be such a whiner?

Public meltdowns. Tantrums, screaming, going boneless, trying to run away -- don't miss any of that!

Strollers. So glad to be rid of that clunky thing.

Cleaning after the messiness.

"Go away, Daddy!" When my son was a toddler he wanted my attention 24/7. Now he loves spending time with his father -- maybe even more than spending time with me! Which is wonderful.

Toys that make noises. I don't really have to explain this one, do I?

Bath toy mold. If you live in a humid climate you know what I'm talking about -- green stuff growing inside the rubber ducky. Gross.

Saying "no."

Hearing him say "no."

Carrying snacks, wipes, toys, and 100 other things around with you all the freakin' time.

Toddler diaper explosions. This is why we're in such a hurry to potty train.

Looking for public restrooms. And this is why potty training sucks. "Please, mister, can we use your bathroom? I know it says 'employees only' but..."

Sand box fights. He stole that kid's shovel. That kid stole his shovel. Either way, now they're pummeling each other and you sould probably pull them apart.

Sand boxes. You know cats poo in there at night, right?

Feeling guilty about not taking him to "mommy and me" classes.

Taking him to "mommy and me" classes and feeling totally ripped off because those classes are bullshit and I could be doing the same thing at home for free.

Toddler sing-alongs. I don't like those songs.

Apologizing. Sorry he broke that. Sorry he's so fussy right now. Sorry he ate your houseplant. Sorry he woke up crying with a fever at 2:00 a.m. while we were visiting and disturbed your sleep. Sorry you hate the sound of small children. Sorry I reproduced.

What I do miss: That chubby little toddler face, the angelic curls, watching him sleep.

What do you miss -- or don't miss -- about your former toddler?


Image via Adriana Velez


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