33 Ridiculous Lies Kids Believe Are True

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This is a jousting tool (not an oar!)
Children are wonderful in so many ways, but one of their most endearing qualities is that they will believe almost anything you tell them.

Oh yes, those little ones who get their knickers in a twist over the tiniest infraction will also believe mama when she says glitter fairy dust makes bad dreams go away and that daddy knows everything there is to know in the world. Of course we all know the latter thing is just WRONG. That's mom's role. Duh.

I asked around and compiled a list of the 33 most random, insane, and wild things kids (those suckers!) believe when we tell them. Here they are:


In pop culture:

1.) In Transformers: My kid thinks that the Transformers are real. Because there are cartoon Transformers and then "real" ones. They wouldn't have cartoons if the "real" ones weren't actually real. I am having great difficulty dissuading him of this notion.

2.) In Jason Voorhees: Yep, I remember staying out of the water because duh: THAT'S WHERE HE WAS LAST SEEN! This is also true of Michael Myers, Freddy Krueger, and any other number of horror movie stars who kids should never see but inevitably do.

3.) In the Muppets: You mean they're not real??

In "human reproduction" tales:

4.) Humans who lay eggs: My son believes "that women lay eggs to have babies." Cool mom! That's like practically a superpower!

5.) Ears as passageways: My friend's kids were convinced they exited mommy's tummy through the ears. Seems plausible, right? Maybe painful, though!

6.) Daddy "put" me somewhere, somehow: The details of all of it are vague, but my kids are clear on one thing: Daddy PUT them in my tummy. How? With what? They don't know. It's kind of shaky. But, you know, details, schmetails.

In the powers of mom and dad:

7.) Mom = Oracle: "My sons believe that I actually have all the answers," says one mom. Ah, the good years. They last until about 12 at which time our children will decide we know approximately nothing. Sigh.

8.) Magical ears: "My kids believe I have magical ears that can't hear whining. They believe it," says one mom. Genius. I am totally doing this.

9.) Magic wands: "My mom told me she had a magic wand and she was not afraid to use it and if I was bad I would not to turn a year older on my birthday," one scarred woman from Ohio said. Somehow she has managed to make it to 35 despite her mom's wand. Personally, I would love a little of that wand right now.

10.) Mama (or Dada) is the boo-boo master: Wouldn't it be nice if all it took to heal anything or make any pain stop was a little kiss? My son (and my friend's daughter) both totally buy this one hook, line, and sinker. It's a handy way to get them to stop crying, but also a heart melting way to know they love you. Suckas!

Bizarre, mythical creatures:

11.) The tooth fairy: Think about how ridiculous this is. Some weird fairy comes into your room on nights you lose a tooth and she takes your smelly old baby tooth in exchange for HARD earned CASH. Yep. Only a baby could possibly believe that crap. This also goes for these next two:

12.) Santa: A chimney, a fat man, and a trip to every child's house over the course of 24 hours. Get real.

13.) Easter bunny: This is just plain CREEPY. A giant bunny who lays chocolate eggs? My God. What are we telling our kids, people?

14.) Magic reindeer: So these go along with Santa, but they also deserve their own call out because it's so totally ludicrous on every level. Reindeer can't fly. That right there is a big hole in this tale. Of course, that's not the only one. But really, what else do we need?

15.) Leprechauns/fairies: Kids will happily spend hours searching for tiny beings, whether they are gnomes or fairies. Smart parents can exploit this to their best time consuming ability. Muhahahaa.

16.) Bigfoot: "When I was little I knew for a fact that we had a Bigfoot living in our backyard," said one 28-year-old woman from Portland. Is this like a Harry and the Hendersons thing?

The cosmos:

17.) The moon is made of green cheese: Seriously, people? How this rumor got started is beyond me, but my kids TOTALLY buy this.

18.) You can "wish" on a falling star: Yeah, guys. Good luck on this one. Let's just hope it's not a meteor headed straight for us.

19.) It just takes a ladder to get to space: Blame this one on children's books and animated shorts, but my kids totally think if they just reach high enough, they can grab a star. Never mind the heat. Never mind the whole speed of light thing. My kids will buy anything.

In inanimate objects:

20.) The power of blankets: My daughter will be hysterical, screaming, and crying, and after two seconds with her "ishy" (her blanket), she is suddenly calm.

21.) A penny in a fountain will make your wish come true: If wishes came true for just one cent, we would all be much happier -- and much richer. So keep on throwing pennies little ones, but soon enough you will be all cynical and bitter like the rest of us.

In food:

22.) That jelly beans are beans: My daughter thinks jelly beans and black beans have the same nutritional value. If only that were true.

23.) Soda is VERY BAD: "My mom told me soda before noon would turn us into frogs. I believed her." Wow, mom. Way to get what you want. At a price. "Seriously mom, that's kind of messed up, isn't it?" she asked.

24.) Spinach will make you strong: "My son swears his muscles grow when he eats spinach. Who am I to argue?" says one mom in Minnesota whose 3-year-old may be watching too much Popeye.

The natural world:

25.) Weeds are flowers: My kids love to pick dandelions in bouquets and give them to me, full of love. I have yet to have the heart to tell them the "flowers" are actually weeds most gardeners lament.

26.) Squirrels are nice: I live in a city where (terrifying, awful) squirrels roam freely over telephone lines and fences. My kids think they are adorable, but I know they are just "rats in cuter outfits." They will rue the day they come near me. Cute? I think not.

27.) Rocks are really cool: My son walks along the street, picking up so many rocks, his pockets bulge and his pants fall down. But God forbid I suggest he dump a couple. "THEY ARE MY ROCKS!" he screams. Indeed. Too bad rocks only impress them in certain contexts. I could get away with a lot less birthday presents.

28.) Even a bush can be fun: Did you know that a stick is an evil serpent? A bush is a hiding spot for a lion? A garden hose is the only source of water in a desert? No? Your kids does!


29.) That every rough looking transient is their best friend: "My son says hi to EVERYONE, including the rough looking gang bangers in our NYC neighborhood." Um, yeah. I am familiar with this one. My kids think everyone -- including the homeless lady mumbling to herself while rooting through our trash -- is their best friend. It's super sweet. Until it's not.

30.) Everyone is nice: They may actually be right on this one. Have you ever been in a store and the saleslady is all YOUR BABY IS SO CUTE and then turns to you with a snarl and says, "Not your best color"? Yep. Happened to me.

31.) Family fights don't exist: All those things that drive you nuts about your sister are the same quirks your kids LOVE about their hilarious auntie! She sleeps until 3 p.m.! She's tired. She loses jobs! She's quirky. She steals money! She buys the best presents.


32.) Home is perfect: "There is no place like home" was Dorothy's mantra for a reason. Kids believe coming home will solve all. Even a week-long vacation can be too much for some kids. Most of the time, there is nothing a few minutes on their couch can't cure.

33.) Everything at home is "ours": What? Mom and Dad, did you really expect privacy? Your vibrator is fair game! It's a family toy! Best be locking that stuff up from prying eyes, mama!

What crazy things do your kids believe?


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