12 Signs You're a New Mom

funny baby glassesHere's the thing about being a new mom. You are going to make mistakes. But it's OK! That's what new motherhood is all about. You act like a harried, worried, over-protective goofball for awhile, and then you start figuring this whole parenting thing out.

What you don't realize is that everyone knows it! We're indulging you because we remember those days, but don't kid yourself, we know you're a rookie. So how do we know? If motherhood were a game of poker, these would be your tells:


Brand New Mom: Changes the diaper the exact SECOND there is the merest dribble of urine, because OMG, I don't want her to get a diaper rash!

  • Six Months In: She peed? Oh yeah, that thing will hold a gallon or so; we're fine. Don't you know those things are expensive?

Brand New Mom: Has drawers full of designer clothes because they are just. so. cute!

  • Six Months In: Pulls onesies purchased in bulk at Sam's Club out of a basket near the dryer.

Brand New Mom: Stands over the bassinet, watching that baby breathe, just drinking him in.

  • Six Months In: Is conked out in her own bed as soon as baby's down. She knows this is the only sleep she's going to get.

Brand New Mom: Packs a diaper bag like she's preparing for the end of days.

  • Six Months In: Throws a few diapers and the wipes container in her purse. There's already an extra outfit in the car.

Brand New Mom: Carries hand sanitizer everywhere and makes everyone use it before they can even come near the baby.

  • Six Months In: Picks up a pacifier off the ground, pops it in her mouth, and hands it over.

Brand New Mom: Owns and actually uses a wipes warmer.

  • Six Months In: Sold that useless piece of crap to some poor sap (read mother-to-be) on eBay.

Brand New Mom: Is horrified at ever having to leave her precious baby for even a moment.

  • Six Months In: Has considered standing outside the grocery store with a sign that says "free to a good home."

Brand New Mom: Dresses baby in five layers of clothing so she won't get a chill ... in the summer.

  • Six Months In: Only goes beyond the diaper and onesie if they have to go somewhere fancy ... like the grocery store.

Brand New Mom: Buys every adorable baby toy she can find.

  • Six Months In: Plunks two measuring cups down in front of him so she can make dinner.

Brand New Mom: Has purchased size 0 baby shoes to match every outfit.

  • Six Months In: Doesn't even care if the socks match; at least there are two of them that the dryer didn't eat.

Brand New Mom: Hand washes every bit of their clothing in special detergent and actually gets the stains out.

  • Six Months In: Throws them in the washer with a vague prayer that the spit-up smell comes out. If it looks good enough to be handed down to someone else in a few months, that's just a bonus.

Brand New Mom: Figures a baby can't go through more than two diapers on one trip to the park. 

  • Six Months In: Is still haunted by that time she had to use her favorite t-shirt and a bunch of paper towels to keep the kid covered. She might leave home without her wallet and her shirt inside out, but she always has enough diapers.

Come on, add to the list, what are the signs that a woman is a brand new mom that you pick out?

Image via © iStock.com/Kais Tolmats

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