5 Things I Plan on Burning After I Give Birth

fireI had a thought this morning while I was putting on my black H&M leggings for the third day in a row: I'd like to burn these motherf***ers after I give birth. Perhaps I'll do it in a Wiccan-esque type of ceremony -- on the third full moon of the month, a tincture of bat's blood, and whatnot. Or maybe, more likely, I'll just do it in the privacy of my own home, because, let's be honest, burning anything besides kindling and newspapers is kind of psychotic.

See, I hate leggings. Pregnant or not. But because I refuse to spend money on clothes I'll only need for a few months, they're all I've been wearing. All. I've been wearing. And it isn't humanly possibly to be more sick of an item made of 50 percent spandex, 50 percent cotton. Hence, my pyromaniac tendencies.

And you know what? The more I thought about my mini maternity bonfire, the more excited and empowered I felt. So I think I'm going to throw a few more items into the flames.


Any cream, oil, lotion, or potion that has to do with stretch marks. Look, I'm grateful that these things exist, and I've been rubbing them into my skin the second my belly started to grow. But dude. They're annoying. They smell, they're greasy, they get on my clothes, and it tacks on an extra minute or two to my post-shower routine. I'm over it, and they're going in. It's been real, Mother Love Pregnant Belly Salve.

The pillow that "helps" me sleep on my side every night. Truth be told, this one probably won't make it into the fire, as it's technically a decorative pillow used on my bed, but it'll be there in spirit. Nothing has helped me sleep -- and stay sleeping -- during this pregnancy, particularly this toddler-sized pillow.

Decaf coffee. I have a cup every morning, as part of my usual ritual -- a little coffee, a little email -- but it's just become a cruel joke. Especially after the six hours I just spent tossing and turning in bed with a stuffed toddler. I'm still tired! I want the real stuff. Like, now.

My crystal "deodorant." I don't use the real stuff all the time when not pregnant, but I like to have the option. I like to know that, if need be, I can enter a room and not reek up the joint. I presume my co-workers will like to see this one go up in flames, as well.

So there you have it. Totally not psycho at all. Just an eight-month pregnant lady talking about burnin' stuff. What?

What items are you excited to ditch after giving birth? Oh, don't act like you love your maternity panties.

Image via andrewmalone/Flickr

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