7 Hilarious Ways a Jury of Kids Would Shake Up Our Legal System

For most people, getting called to jury duty is a massive bummer. One look at that official envelope and most grown-ups let out the groan heard around the world. It's disruptive, it's boring, and it's a special hell reserved only for those over 18. But for one 9-year-old boy in Boston, jury duty was something else entirely when he was called to serve.

Naturally, it was a mistake and not even a very uncommon one. Birthdays get typed in wrong and children are called to serve. It happens. But as the parent of a 5-year-old and a 3.5-year-old, I am amused by the concept.

My son, in particular (the younger one), already thinks he is a mini-dictator. So what would he be like as a juror? Here are some of the judgements I see my kids handing down:

  • On the issue of public nudity: My 3-year-old son would definitely rule in favor of anyone found with his hand down his pants or with his pants around his ankles. As a fan of this kind of behavior himself, I am fairly confident he would support any flashers in pursuing their love of public nudity.
  • On the issue of "drug" pushing: Both my son and daughter would be greatly in favor of more Triaminic and Children's Tylenol EVEN when there is no fever to treat. Therefore, I sense they would be too lenient toward drug pushers, so long as the drugs were chewable and delicious.
  • On the issue of truancy: My daughter asks almost daily if she can skip school and she isn't even in Kindergarten yet (just pre-K). I think a 9-year-old would very much support a child skipping school or anyone skipping anything for that matter. Except a birthday party. Then it would be straight to jail.
  • On the issue of public intoxication: Neither of my children is old enough to imbibe yet, but both of my children greatly enjoy candy, which, let's face it, is basically the same as two 6-packs and a shot of Jager for the little ones. They would have a bit too much sympathy for those who love the sauce.
  • On the issue of disorderly conduct: If I say no to glittery princess shoes, my daughter reserves the right to fall to the floor in a heap. In Target. So I am pretty sure that her little heart would bleed for anyone found doing the same in public. Even at the age of 42.
  • On the issue of stealing: It doesn't count if it's your brother's, right? Or if you weren't caught. Then it doesn't count either.
  • On the issue of stalking: My kids think it's totally normal to follow me everywhere, stand over my bed as I sleep, and go into every room after me even when I want to be alone. They would be way too sympathetic to any person who did the same.

And THIS is why jurors need to be 18. Come to think of it, maybe they should be even older. I know 34-year-olds who still don't have all the rules completely memorized.

What legal issues and crimes would your kid say were no big deal?


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