The Hilarious Truth About Pregnancy -- Month By (Hormonal) Month

Ah, pregnancy. The time in a woman's life where she has to share her abdominal cavity with another human being. There's nothing more amazing than knowing that you're growing a new life inside of you. It's magical.

It's also hysterical.

Here is YOUR Pregnancy, Month by Hilarious Month.


Pregnancy Month One:

Congrats, Mama! Never again will you be so excited about peeing on an inanimate (or animate) object. That pee stick may very well be waved in the face of everyone you know, whether they want to see it or not. Enjoy it! If this is your first pregnancy, you're probably spending a great deal of time looking in mirrors or wearing those weird stuffed pregnant bellies at the maternity store. You want to LOOK pregnant, dammit! If it's not your first pregnancy, you'll glance in the mirror as the pee is drying on your pregnancy test and realize you look about five months along.

Pregnancy Month Two:

If you're anything like most pregnant women I've met, you're now officially obsessing about your pregnancy. Your wee fetus is busily dividing into different layers that will become organ systems. It's hard work being a fetus! Morning sickness often begins during this month -- most women report it around six weeks gestation -- so be careful what you read. Almost all pregnancy related information refers to the size of the fetus in terms of food. So if you're yacking, it's probably best not to think that you're walking around with a corn-nut in your uterus. Because blech. Or yum. Either way: not cool.

Pregnancy Month Three:

By now, you're probably not feeling too hot. You're either puking your guts out or sleeping all the time. Those hormonal changes that accompany pregnancy can wreck havoc on you. As your wee one is carefully working on putting together organ systems, you're learning all of the fancy restrictions that come with pregnancy: no undercooked meat. No sushi. No wine. No lunch-meats (unless they're hot, which, UGH). No unpasteurized cheeses. The biggest problem is that these will, invariably, be the foods you'd gnaw off an arm for.

Pregnancy Month Four:

Did you know your baby is blinking now? Also he or she is peeing up a storm, getting ready to target practice during diaper changes. Mommy's Face is worth a hundred points, after all. You may notice that you're getting bigger in lots of places -- especially your butt. It's like your body wants your butt to be pregnant too. You may, if you're in your second, third, or fifty-sixth pregnancy, begin to feel the tiny flutter of movement. If it's your first, you'll probably assume it's gas. Pregnant women get WAY gassy.

Pregnancy Month Five:

By the end of month five, you'll finally realize that hey, that's probably a baby moving and not just the remnants of the burrito you ate for breakfast. At the whopping size of six inches long and approximately ten ounces (almost a can of soda), your baby is practicing making faces -- practice for the teen years. My advice? Be happy you can't see it -- you'll have plenty of time to see his or her sneering later. If you're particularly lucky, you'll learn if you're having a hot dog (boy) or hamburger (girl).

Pregnancy Month Six:

Did you see your belly jump like that? In that weird, rhythmic way? It's not gas, that's your baby, who has an adorable case of the hiccups. Who knew such an annoying predicament could be so cute? You'll learn that even the most disgusting of bodily fluids and projectile vomit will be positively adorable if it's your wee one who's doing it. Your fetus is now being weighed in pounds, and looking more and more like a real baby than a brine shrimp.

Pregnancy Month Seven: 

The moment you've been waiting for! If born, your baby now stands a chance of survival. The odds of survival outside the womb grow exponentially over the next two months. Hopefully THAT will spur you into getting that nursery done! This is probably around the time you'll be thrown a baby shower -- enjoy that attention, Mama, because as soon as Baby gets here, no one will care about you. Babies are like people magnets.

Pregnancy Month Eight:

The good news? Your baby is quickly gaining fat. The bad news? You probably are too. It's okay. Between getting up every other minute to waddle to the bathroom and being woken up every single time you finally get to sleep by wee fetus dancing on your bladder, you have the right to eat as much ice cream as your now teeny stomach can handle. Your belly has grown to epic proportions, which means that strangers will come up and touch it without even saying hello to you. You have my permission to punch them.

Pregnancy Month Nine:

The very last month of pregnancy is the longest -- I think it actually bends space and time. Each day yawns slooooooooowly into the next as you anxiously await the arrival of your wee babe. You'll spend more time wondering if you're in labor because you can't remember what, exactly, labor feels like. Labor feels like labor and nothing else. During the times you're not actively sure you're in labor, you're mentally murdering everyone around you who dares ask, “STILL haven't had that baby yet?”

What month of pregnancy was your hardest?


Image via luca_76/Flickr

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