10 Ways Parenthood Is Like a Drunken One Night Stand

I woke up this morning feeling like I'd been through hell. My neck was sore, I had bags under my eyes, and I couldn't wait to get into the shower and wash the night off of me. As I surveyed the damage, I couldn't help but be struck by some similarities to something far, far from the life I lead now ...


1. I'm constantly covered in bruises and bumps, which I have no memory of acquiring.

2. I get whispered to in a language I can't understand in the least.

3. I often decide to sleep in a bed other than my own because it just feels so good.

4. I fall asleep with grubby hands stroking my face and a tongue licking me.

5. I often wake up at midnight and find two members of the opposite sex beside me.

6. I have absolutely no memory of how the other members ended up in there.

7. I get groped at 3 a.m. by mysterious fingers.

8. It's not unusual to be awoken at 5:30 a.m. by a boy straddling me and taking off his shirt.

9. I'm sore in places I had no idea existed.

10. I know the whole thing will be repeated again tonight.

Anyone else feel like they're living in some weird parallel one-night stand universe?


Image via Scary Mommy

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