10 Reasons My Kids Don't Need a Spring Break

It's that lovely time of year -- the tulips are emerging from the ground as it slowly thaws out. The birds are tentatively returning to the area, waking me up with their brilliant songs. My roses are starting to bud. My neighbors all a pasty shade of what I like to call "Midwestern Pallor" are all starting to emerge from their houses, blinking in the now-sunlight.

Ah, Spring. How I love you. I love everything about you. Except one tiny, teeny, weeny thing: Spring Break. You know what, Spring, my kids don't NEED a Spring Break.

Here's why.

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  1. Because my kids already get 47 teacher's institute days, Presidents' Day, Joan of Arc's birthday, and the second cousin of Abe Lincoln's Baptism's Day off.
  2. Because there's not enough vodka in the world.
  3. Because by hour two, my kids are bounding off the walls, bored out of their minds, as I write a large check to the school in hopes that they'll call off Spring Break entirely.
  4. Because they ALREADY play three hours of Nintendo a day. If I give them more than that, I worry that their eyeballs will melt.
  5. Because I'm tired of explaining why the Easter Bunny was too tired or drunk to put baskets together for them. I can only stop the crying by taking them to breakfast, and who wants to wake up that early?
  6. Because a full-time daycare provider isn't cheap at the best of times, and during Spring Break, it's like trying to make a last-minute international flight getting a rate that doesn't require a fourth mortgage to afford.
  7. Because if they wake me at 5:30 in the morning, I'm more likely to make a breakfast that consists of "You know where the damn cereal is!"
  8. Because when they play with the neighbor kids, all the games tend to sound like a band-saw, and my doctor says that If I insist on treating my migraines with vodka, I can't do it until after 3 p.m.
  9. Because they insist on building forts out of blankets and pillows in the living room, when I'm busy trying to get work done. Have you ever tried to write in the middle of a blanket-igloo? No laptop is good enough to stand up to it's inevitable collapse.
  10. Because when it's time for them to go to bed at night, do they want to give me a hug and kiss after a long day of taking care of them? No, they want Daddy, who just walked in the door and has no idea what I've been through all day.
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