Lesson 34: Terrible Parenting Idioms for Our Times ~ Part 2

A year ago I did a post about parenting idioms that needed to updated for 2011. I think it’s about time for the 2012 edition. The first part is the actual idiom/quote. The second part I probably need to apologize for.

Life affords no greater responsibility, no greater privilege, than the raising of the next generation. Which means you just took a lifelong job with no chance of promotion or advancement. Worst. Job. Ever.

The voice of parents is the voice of gods, for to their children they are heaven’s lieutenants. Or maybe you should clean your room when God tells you to.

If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others. Because raising an eavesdropper is always the way to go.

What a child doesn't receive, he can seldom later give. Like affection. Or gonorrhea.


We are apt to forget that children watch examples better than they listen to preaching. Which is why most of them are so shitty at arson.

Live so that when your children think of fairness and integrity, they think of you. Because apparently the best thing you can teach your child is how narcissistic you are.

To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today. Or yesterday. Or really, anytime in the future. This is how memories work.

Kids spell love T-I-M-E. And that’s why you need to have them tested for learning disorders.

It is one thing to show your child the way, and a harder thing to then stand out of it. Which is why I just rely on Google maps.

Affirming words from moms and dads are like light switches. Speak a word of affirmation at the right moment in a child’s life and it’s like lighting up a whole roomful of possibilities. Or you could just switch on the lights. Most kids enjoy electricity.

The best inheritance a parent can give his children is a few minutes of his time each day. Because who the hell needs a college fund?

Parents need to fill a child’s bucket of self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can’t poke enough holes to drain it dry. Because that’s the best thing you can bequeath to your child. A big, holey bucket.

Let parents bequeath to their children not riches, but the spirit of reverence. Or maybe life insurance. Life insurance can be very handy for bequeathment. Also, why are so many of these about death? It’s sort of morbid.

If I had my child to raise all over again, I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later. Because homeless children feel great about themselves, since they have to learn to fight off the rats at a really young age. 

A happy family is but an earlier heaven. Which means that having children equates to an early death. Not exactly a wringing endorsement.

Lucky parents who have fine children usually have lucky children who have fine parents. Unlucky parents usually have children who are half hamsters and spit acid.

A baby is born with a need to be loved -- and never outgrows it. Unlike their shoes, which they seem to outgrow every two hours. If we could make shoes out of the same stuff that “a need to be loved” is made out of, we’d be millionaires.

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own. Conversely, few things are less satisfying than seeing your teenagers have children. That’s why you should give them condoms.

I don't think children's inner feelings have changed. They still want a mother and father in the very same house; they want places to play. They also want ponies that poop cupcakes and eat homework. So maybe children shouldn't be trusted so terribly much.

A mother who is really a mother is never free. Much like a prisoner serving a life sentence. Or really expensive chocolate. I prefer the chocolate analogy.

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