Lesson 32: The Authentic You Might Be a Real A-hole

It’s important to always be an authentic version of you. Unless you’re an asshole.  Then you can be someone else. Although, now that I think about it, there’s only one you so if you’re pretending to be someone else that's an authentic version of you as well. An authentic version of you pretending to be someone else. And now my head hurts. 

 Let’s start again...


Authenticity is important because if you aren't true to yourself then you can’t be true to others. Plus, it’s more fun to be you. Unless you meet a girl who looks just like you and she’s a princess who’s tired of being rich and wants to switch places with you even though you’re a homeless vagrant who gets beaten every night.  Then I say go for switching places with the princess. Or better yet, kill the princess so you can take her place. Anyone stupid enough to want to trade places with a battered vagrant sort of deserves a violent end. That’s just my opinion. I’d apologize for that but I’m being authentic and being authentic means never having to say you’re sorry. Or always having to say you’re sorry. I suppose it depends on who the authentic you really is. If you’re an authentic douche-nugget you’ll probably have to apologize a lot. Sorry. That’s just life. Unless you’re now pretending to be a princess. Then it’s someone else’s life. Plus, princesses never have to apologize. I think that’s in the princess rule book.

Oh hell, let’s start again, again, okay?

Webster’s defines authenticity as “factual sincerity in devotion and intentions." This all sounds lovely until you consider that Jack the Ripper was very authentic in his sincerity and devotion to being a sadistic murderer. So maybe authentic is something to be avoided. Or perhaps authenticity is only good if positive shit comes out of it. If every other thing you say leads to a fight or hurt feelings or dead hookers  and you claim “I’m just keeping it real” then you are an authentic dick-wagon. It’s somewhat admirable that you’re true to yourself, but mostly it’s just sort of fucked up and everyone eventually avoids you. And this is why I’ve decided to change this essay as of right now. 

One more time…

The art of being good is important. So important, in fact, that not being good might get you stabbed, and if there’s one thing to avoid it’s getting stabbed. That shit hurts like hell. It’s like stubbing your toe times 1,000. Think of kindness as your Kevlar, and karma as your shield. And patience is your battle helmet. And your pants are made of flame retardant love. Your toes are still going to get stubbed though because even good people stub their toes. It’s the common problem of the masses. It doesn't matter how good you are…stubbed toes stop for no man.

So I guess that’s the real lesson here. Be good. Be kind. Watch out for coffee tables if you’re barefoot. 

Wow. I should not write these when I’m drunk.

Sorry. They’re not all going to be winners.


But they will all be authentic.

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