Candy Was Invented for the Day Your Kid Finds Your Vibrator

The other day, my 3-year-old son walked into the living room, my pink vibrator Rabbit Pearl in one hand and a questioning expression on his face. As I stared at him holding the pink sex toy, half of which looks like a penis, the other half of which looks like a rabbit, I realized this was one of THOSE moments in parenthood, you know, the ones we all dread and wish would never happen but then inevitably happen before we are ready? Yep. This was one of those. And this was my fault. Why had I not invested in a lock?

"What's this Mama? How you play with this?" Before I could dive on it (like I wanted to), he had turned it on, tipped his head to the left, and asked: "Why it got a bunny?"

In the area of keeping the porn hidden from the babies, mommy had just had a major FAIL.


I have always been semi good (I thought) at locking the adult portions of life away from my children's curious eyes. We closely monitor their TV watching, so they are limited to PBS, some Nickelodeon, and DVDs we buy. We lock the door when we have "adult time" and try to limit it only to moments when they are asleep, out of the house, or otherwise engaged in activities that take all their energy. But I never thought to lock the goodie drawer.

Until last week, this wasn't something I thought about. Like any woman for whom sex is important, I have a goodie drawer. In it, you will find some mild porn, some kinky things we got as "jokes" and used anyway (handcuffs, some sex dice), a journal or two, some photos, and a few vibrators. They vary in size and speed, but they are all designed to meet the same goal -- pleasure of the adult variety.

My son opening the drawer and playing with my vibrator, however, definitely fell into the "less than pleasurable" category. I was also faced with a rather vexing issue. Should I explain what it was and take it away, or act cool and nonchalant, grab it when he wasn't looking, and invest in a new lock? It's a question I hope never to be faced with again.

I smiled. "Wow, Alan. That's not a great toy for you. That is actually mommy's (& daddy's) toy. It's a grown-up toy. Could I have that back?"

Nonplussed, my son looked at me, questioning: "But why it got a rabbit? It looks like a kid toy. Can I play with it? What could I do with it?"

Interesting question and one I once thought I might have handled much more smoothly. Unfortunately, my son is about 10 years younger than I imagined he might be when we would be talking about these "grown-up" things. And so I smiled again and, in my best grown-up mommy voice, I said: "Oh ... stuff. You know. It's a toy. We play with it."

My son was having none of it: "OK, but like what? Like games? Like songs? What does it do? Why it move like zzzzzz, zzzzzzz?"

"Yes, like games," I said, cringing and grabbing it out of his hands. "I know! Let's eat candy bars and watch Fireman Sam!"

Nodding his head eagerly, I knew I had dodged that bullet (er, flying sex toy), but I may not be so lucky next time. It seems our rules mean very little when faced with the only drawer in the house they haven't explored. I am moving the goodies from the goody drawer and pretending it never happened.

If he wants to talk about it in 10 years, cool. Until then ... look! It's a good show and a bunch of candy!

Have you ever had your kid find something totally inappropriate for them?


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