10 Childhood Ailments That Need Vaccines NOW

Vaccines are a hot, contentious topic among most parents with some feeling super pro vaccination and others firmly planted in the NO camp. But even as vaccines cause us all major agita, the fact is, no one wants their kids to get sick. In fact, vaccines are designed to keep our kids healthy and to wipe out the diseases that used to wipe us out. These diseases used to be facts of childhood and now they are much less likely to touch our kids' lives. This is a good thing.

Of course, vaccines can't protect us against everything and they're particularly bad against some less deadly, but still very annoying childhood issues -- whining, tantruming, video gaming, and early rising. So I asked a selection of parents about vaccines. If there were a totally safe vaccine that could stop one really annoying behavior in your kids, what would you choose?

The answers were varied (and plentiful). So here are the 10 childhood plagues we wish doctors could vaccinate against:

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  • Whining-onia: This devastating illness affects 90 percent of children the world over. It can't be fought with time-outs, mommy tantrums, or screaming. A vaccine is our best defense.
  • Tantrum-itis: If you're like many moms, you only noticed this syndrome when your baby became a toddler. It starts slowly with some tears and red faces. It quickly progresses to full body jerking, flexed muscles, and saddest of all -- extreme exhaustion for the parents. The only known cure is age.
  • Early Morning Disease: This one usually phases out by the teen years, but for those affected, it can be debilitating. Children wake from restful slumber, bright-eyed and bushy tailed, but their fervor does nothing to rouse poor mom and dad who shuffle around like zombies, red-eyed and heavy-footed. There is no cure and its effects can last for months.
  • Bedtime Allergies: This one lies dormant throughout the day, but around 7 p.m. when mom and dad start to think about bed, the chronic illness starts to rear its ugly head. "NOOOOOOO" one might hear (especially from a child also suffering from Whining-onia). A child with this allergy requires more than an epi-pen.
  • No-Getting-Dressed Syndrome: In my family, it goes like this: a seemingly normal child falls into fits of rage, convulsions, and foaming at the mouth when presented with the idea of getting dressed. The only solution is the immediate cessation of all parental pressure. Slowly back out of the room. This is a syndrome much like rabies and its sufferers have been known to attack. 
  • Hairbrush-itis: If this sounds familiar: "AGGHHHAAAHAHAHANOOOOOOAAGHH" then you may know a child who suffers from this illness. Known sufferers often sport rat's nests in their hair, massive tangles, and tears of rage still drying on their cheeks. They also complain of scalp pain, but this is only because they have never felt real pain. Parents who have children suffering from this debilitating illness may be tempted to show their child real pain in retaliation for their screams. This isn't recommended.
  • Walking Phobia: This one strikes around the age of 3. Victims complain of an inability to walk because "I'm tiiiiiired." It may be accompanied by Whining-onia or Tantrum-itis. Once a parent lifts the child, their legs magically no longer hold weight and it's then up to the parent to deliver their 35-pound sack of potatoes from door to door. 
  • No-coat-asia: Three-year-old boys are particularly susceptible to this. It involves immunity to cold and no desire to wear a coat to combat it. As a result, mommy gets looks of death from local parents wondering how that awful mother let that poor child out of the house without a coat. The only cure is the age of 4.
  • Bath Phobia: This is a delicate issue that can lead to discolored skin and terrible smells if not properly dealt with. Many children suffer from it and many parents need earplugs to bathe their children.
  • Backtalk Plague: This insidious one strikes older children first and involves an inability to recognize one's sweet, docile angel. Who is this monster who tells me "no" when I ask them for help or swears at me? It's not them. It's the Backtalk Plague.

What sicknesses do you want cures for?

 

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