The 10 Questions You Never Want Your Kid to Ask

questionMy dad has a joke he loves to tell about parenting. "You can't wait until they walk," he says, "you can't wait until they talk, and then when they do, you just wish they'd sit down and shut up." If you didn't laugh, you haven't hit the question stage.

Twenty questions is for amateurs. My 6-year-old can ask 100. In 20 minutes. Well, give or take -- it really depends more on how long I take to answer, not how long it takes her to come up with another one. The bounds of her imagination are endless, which is why I'm calling bull pucky on a survey that claims parents' biggest fear is that their kids will ask them science and math questions that they can't answer.

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Really? Have these people never heard of the Internet? It's this nifty thing you can now access from anywhere with a smartphone when your kid wants you to detail the entire paper-making process from the tree to their kindergarten classroom.

But then there are the really hard questions. You know -- the ones that you think you're prepared for because you're a free-wheeling, honest parent who plans to detail the sex process, masturbation, what have you in a thoughtful, truthful way. No matter how ready you think you are, you're always afraid you're going to fumble it. So if you want to be really scared, try dealing with one of these gems out of the mouth of your babe:

1. How did I get inside your tummy? And none of this love stuff, I want to know exactly how Daddy put me in there.

2. Why do my friend Susie's four brothers and sisters all have different daddies?

3. Why doesn't Auntie's underwear cover her butt? Is it too small; is that why it's stuck in the middle like that?

4. What's this vibrating thing I found in the drawer of your dresser when I was looking for tissues?

5. Can the cat die before the dog, please? Because I really don't like him that much.

6. Why do you look so OLD?

7. Is my teacher not married because she's ugly?

8. What if I said I don't care if it would make my belly hurt, could I eat the whole box of cookies then?

9. Mommy, can I have a blow pop please? I'd like to do a blow job.

10. Why is Uncle sleeping on the floor in the bathroom with his pants down around his ankles?

Kind of making you wistful for a good old-fashioned "tell me why the sky is blue," huh? What's the hardest question your kids have come up with?

 

Image via tj scenes/Flickr

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