Twas the Night Before Christmas, Mom-Style

Are you sick to death yet of wrapping presents and baking cookies and reading holiday stories and singing Christmas carols and finding new hiding places for that &$%# elf? Hey, I'm with you. I love the holidays, but the last few days before Christmas wear me right out.

That's why I wrote this take on a classic holiday poem, just for you. "A Visit from St. Nicholas" (better known as "The Night Before Christmas" or "'Twas the Night Before Christmas") is all well and good in its original form, but as Christmas Eve approaches, I thought you might appreciate a version that's specifically for moms:


Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
The baby was stirring, unnoticed by my spouse.
The stockings were tossed on the back of a chair,
In a Martha Stewart contest, I wouldn't have a prayer.

The children had all taken over my bed,
While visions of a solo vacation danced in my head.
And Junior in his Pull-Up, and me looking a fright,
Had just settled down for yet another restless night.

When out on the lawn there came such a clatter,
I got up to see what the hell was the matter.
To the window I shuffled like the zombie I am,
Pushed aside the curtains, and said, "... Damn!"

The moon on the pile of unshoveled snow
Shone like a Twilight Constellation Turtle Night Light on the objects below,
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a dude in a costume, shaped like a sphere.

With his red hat on top and the "Ho ho ho!" he exclaimed
I knew in a flash it must be Santa Cla ... Whatshisname.
He was sparkly and jolly and clearly endowed
(with *magic*, pervs)
Then he whistled, and shouted, and bellowed out loud!

"Now Saggy! Now, Flabby! Now, Postpartum and Kegel!
On, Hemorrhoid! On, Exhaustion! On Mom Butt and Concealer!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

And then, in a twinkling, I heard from my bed
The shifting and whining from each downy head.
As I drew back in and tended the kids,
Down the chimney Santa came with a bounce and a skid.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all crappy with ashes and soot.
I started to yell since he'd woken my brood
Then he suddenly began to upgrade my mood.

His eyes were so twinkly! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his face kinda hairy!
He looked nearly as sweet as a slice of Christmas cake,
As he said with a smile, "Mama, you need a break."

He pointed at me as the kids clung to my knees
And made them all beam as he put them at ease.
He had a broad face and he seemed really mellow
His belly even shook when laughed, like a bowlful of Jell-O.

He was full of fat acceptance, a right jolly old guy,
I giggled when I saw him (almost like I was high).
A wink of his eye and a sense of good cheer
Soon had me convinced I had nothing to fear.

He spoke not a word, but the floors he did scrub, 
Sent the kids off to bed, and drew me a tub.
After the laundry, dishes, and folding the clothes
He gave me a nod, and up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, then gave a wolf whistle,
And away he flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to Moms—and to all a good night!"

Image via Flickr/evelynsaenz

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