Dear St. Nick, Read This Mama's Letter Quick

dear santa letterDear Santa,
It’s very clear to me you listen. Just about every kid I know has the exact Christmas gifts they wanted wrapped oh so beautifully under the tree, whether or not they have been bad or good. Because let's face it. We all have our moments. I saw you in the movie Bad Santa, so don't try to front. I think it’s time you listen to me for goodness' sake. And you must listen to me good.

I don’t want to sound demanding, but there are things I need. Like, really, really need in order to be a functioning human being and not a zombie mom. So I’m counting on you to help me out. Oh and yeah, I've been a really good girl, so ... here goes ...

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I would really like some more sleep. I don’t believe in letting my kid cry it out, and honestly, even if I did, I would need a much bigger apartment and/or a sound-proof room and a lot of Ambien in order for me to not wake up from it. (And I'm not asking for any of those things because -- ahem -- I am a good girl like I said.) So in order to give me more sleep, you really need to get my kids to sleep. Soundly. Like all through the night kind of sleep and no more of this waking up at 3 a.m. crap. You know what I’m talking about because, well, you see me when I’m sleeping, you know when I’m awake. You don’t even have to gift wrap this sleep wish. So, it should totally be easier for you to just make happen.

I would also really like my son to stop being afraid of the vacuum. It would be especially helpful because that 10-day-old piece of fish that disappeared into the high pile carpet in their room won’t end up in someone’s mouth or stuck on someone’s foot. I don’t even need a vacuum, you see. I have one. Just make my son stop fearing it. You can make reindeer fly, surely you can do this one little thing.

Speaking of my son, it would be most excellent if you got him to eat more.
Okay, I take that back. He eats fine, most of the time, and I know I shouldn’t worry -- the kid is just thin. Slender. So instead, it would be most excellent if you get the people who tell me to get my son to eat more to shut their traps and mind their own business thank you very much.

It would also be super duper cool if you can teach my kids a thing about using the potty. I don’t mean getting them potty trained -- I'm on that -- I mean making them realize that when mama needs alone time on the potty, then they should be patient and be happy and glued to the Sesame Street episode on the TV for the duration of the time mama needs to use the potty. Since when is a stinky bathroom cooler than Sesame Street anyway?

And if you think I’ve been really good this year (and I really think I have), another thing I would really like is a little bit more alone time with my husband. (I think you get what I’m saying here, right? If not, consult with Mrs. Claus, she can explain and may need some of that too.) But if you can’t grant me this wish and you can make the others happen, I feel like this one will come naturally. Because I’ll be well rested and less stressed, which is the perfect remedy to help my husband and me actually want to enjoy each other and not have conversations solely about the above things mentioned or fall asleep mid-sentence with 10-day-old fish in our mouths.

Wishing you and the Mrs. the best holiday ever!

Love,
Michele

What’s on your ‘Dear Santa’ letter?

 

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