Lesson 25: Are You Pregnant ... Or Is It Something Else?

If you’re anything like me, you spend most of your day suspecting that you’re pregnant. I blame too many years of watching unsuspecting women on Oprah tell of having a stomachache that ended minutes later with an unexpected baby laying on the grocery store floor. That’s why I’ve devised these simple guidelines to help you figure out if you’re pregnant or just paranoid.

Let’s get started:


You think you might be pregnant because you're craving ...

... ice cream at midnight. (You’re a human.)

... ice cream at 2 a.m. (You’re an insomniac.)

... ice cream at 2 a.m., 4 a.m., 6 a.m. (You might have OCD.)

... human flesh (You’re a zombie.)

... 18 deviled eggs and some chalk. And when someone tried to take your chalk away, you stabbed them. (You might be pregnant. Or insane.)


You think you might be pregnant because you started crying hysterically ...

... when you fell off the roof and shattered your femur. (You’re a human.)

... when you were attacked by a horde of attic rats. (You need an exterminator.)

... when Snape died. (You’re me. Also, you just ruined Harry Potter for at least eight people.)

... at the grocery store, because they ran out of that Kleenex you like and then it reminded you of that commercial you saw 10 years ago about calling your mom. (You might be pregnant.)


You think you might be pregnant because ...

... you have a twinge at your side after eating three chalupas. (You have gas.)

... you gained five pounds for no reason at all. (You’re normal.)

... you have a sharp, stabbing pain in your chest and now you're turning into dust. (You’re a vampire.)

... you have a rash on your testicles. (You’re not pregnant. Also, you should get that checked out.)

... you have a tiny human coming out of your vagina. (You were totally pregnant. Or you were starring in a bizarre dwarf porno. Probably the first one.)


You think you might be pregnant because ...

... your best friend told you that "you look 200 months pregnant in those jeans." (You need new friends.)

... you injected your urine into a rabbit and now it looks sick. (You need therapy. And a new rabbit.)

... you need to go to the store to pick up some milk. (I ... don't understand the reference.)

... your doctor just told you you're pregnant. (You’re pregnant.)


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