7 Reasons Your Kid's Summer Birthday Sucks

When I was a kid, I remember being hideously disappointed each year as my friends lugged in plate after plate of sugary goodness to share with the class, each of us stopping our work to imbibe that delicious Orange Drink and sing "Happy Birthday" to the lucky kid, before we dove head-first into the cuppity-cakes the kid brought.

I wasn't jealous over the goodies: no. I wasn't even jealous because my classmates weren't warbling to me. I was jealous because I'd been blessed with a birthday that fell squarely into the hot, sweaty asscrack of summer: July.

You know what happens when you have a summer birthday? NOTHING.

Here are the top reasons having a summer birthday sucks for kids.


1. In school, it's never your name on the board, never your cupcakes happily devoured, and never a single song sung in your honor. Because not even the teacher would be caught dead in the non-air-conditioned school in the dead of summer.

2. No one will come to your birthday party because you don't own a swimming pool and they're all off happily swimming, while you're glumly sitting at home, wishing that your mom had let you build that pool you'd always wanted. By yourself. With a shovel and pitchfork.

3. It's a sucky time because everywhere indoors is already booked, but everything outside is miserable because it's 1,200 degrees above the boiling point of lead and humid.

4. Mosquitoes, mosquitoes, mosquitoes. Dangerous, three-foot-long mosquitoes that are probably carrying typhoid and malaria and other such diseases found on Oregon Trail.

5. No one lives next door anymore. They live waaaaaaaay across town, and your mom probably doesn't have their phone number or address to call to invite to your crappy at-home birthday party.

6. Everyone is on vacation to Disneyland, and of course they would LOVE to change plans so they can roller-skate with you for two hours, but they just CAN'T.

7. That totally rad unicorn cake you insisted your mom buy from the non-health food store completely melted in the sun, so it now resembles a pile of warm chocolate mush. Which is approximately what it would've looked like if you'd just let your mom bake the cake anyway.

Does your kid have a summer birthday? How do you deal?

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