Toddlers Are Insane. Here's Proof!

toddler making funny faceToddlers are insane. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. New to this realm, they're just learning how the world functions, just gaining a working vocabulary, and they are quite silly, adorable, and just plain weird sometimes.

My kids have done some absolutely crazy things. My mom still remembers me talking to her calmly on the phone, then suddenly yelling at my daughter, "DO NOT PUT THE CAT ON THE STOVE!" It's amazing what things you could have never pictured yourself saying or doing that toddlers make a reality.

In addition to my own wild children's antics, I asked other moms what were some of the weirdest things their toddlers have done or said. Here are the hilarious (and some disgusting) responses:

  • Colored her entire body (even under her shirt) in metallic purple marker. 
  • Tried to put deodorant on the cat's butt. She explained that he smelled like poo poo.
  • Pulled baby sister off the bed and covered her face in lipstick ... that on first glance looked like blood.
  • When barely able to crawl, he got a sudden burst of speed just in time to catch a fly and pop it in his mouth.
  • Described, in great detail, a "Cannon Duck," which apparently is a duck that shoots cannon balls from its mouth when it quacks.
  • Insisted the name for the crocus flowers was actually Hocus Crocus.
  • Nursing GI Joe on her belly button.
  • Every time he sees me changing, he excitedly yells, "BOODIES BOODIES!" and points at my boobs.
  • Said, "God is in everything. He's in my knee too."
  • Stuck her finger down her throat in the middle of a store, made herself vomit, then tried to do it again.
  • He sticks his finger in his butt and pretends to wipe it on his face.
  • Screams, "Hi!" at people in an increasingly loud volume until they notice her, then gives them a huge grin.
  • He managed to eat French fries by sucking out the inside, and just leaving a soggy outside tube. No idea how he managed it, but then it would end up back on my plate.
  • After sucking happily on half a lemon at a restaurant, he suddenly let out a squeal and hurled it at the head of the friend we were dining with.
  • Yelled, "SWIPER NO SWIPING!" at a cashier who had just asked the parent to swipe their card.
  • A child at daycare went through a phase of licking all the (fortunately covered!) electrical outlets.
  • Hailey likes to walk around with anything and everything on her head. If it fits, it goes on there!! Every single time she's done eating her snack, her snack bowl goes on her head.
  • Jumped totally out of her crib, for the first time ... and broke a collarbone.
  • Pushed a toy kitchen and dining room chair up to a tall cabinet to access candy.
  • Drank water from a Diva cup. 
  • While in the bathroom while mom was peeing, suddenly yelled, "MOMMY! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR PENIS?!"
  • Announced, ‎"Daddy, my butt is beautiful!" while pulling apart her labia.
  • Put a stuffed cat in the toy oven and happily announced, "Cooking kitty!"
  • Peed in the dog's crate.

I'm in big trouble because a lot of those are my own experiences with my 2-year-old daughter who has been nicknamed "Aurora the Destroyer." Pediatrician Harvey Karp rightly says that toddlers are like cavemen: "They spit and scratch when they are angry. They pee in the living room. They pick their nose. They put food in their hair. They'll suddenly shriek out of nowhere even in a crowded place."

Sounds about right.

What wacky things has your toddler done?

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