Important Parenting Advice Every Pregnant Mom Should Know

No one could ever say there's a shortage of parenting advice available to pregnant moms these days. Whether asked for or not, the barrage of Helpful Tips seems to start before you're even ready to pee on the stick ("Don't wait forever! Oh, but don't start trying in March, you don't want a holiday baby! Say, have you considered Fred for a boy's name?").

However, that's certainly not going to stop me from dishing out some of my own wise counsel to any of you who may be staring down the barrel of parenthood for the first time. As your body slowly transforms into a giant farty bag of backed-up digestive processes and retained fluids miraculous glowing vessel of life, here are a few of the most critical things you should know about motherhood:


The only constant about children is their inconsistency. The good news is that whatever fresh hell your baby is dishing out after he's born, it won't last forever. It'll just feel like forever. So try and remember that if your baby refuses to sleep and spends his every waking hour firehosing semi-digested milk all over the place, this will eventually stop, and you definitely shouldn't resort to stabbing your own face with a letter opener just to feel something, dear god, anything other than the endless frustration and exhaustion. The bad news is, whatever awesome thing he's doing will likely come to an end, too. Which is to say, don't go bragging about how Junior loooooooves his fresh hummus and omega-3-packed Copper River salmon, because it's more than likely that at some point he'll hit the same Saltines 'n' Oxygen stage that your friends' kids are in, and then you'll feel like a big fat organic asshole.

Get ready to discover new reserves of strength you never thought you had. As insanely challenging as parenthood can be, this is when your personal rubber hits the road. You will learn you are stronger and more capable than you ever thought possible. It's hard not to get mired in feelings of inadequacy at times, but give yourself some credit for rolling with the astounding changes that have happened in your life. For instance, could you ever have imagined that someday you'd take a shot of human urine in the face and not even flinch?

Never assume that thing on the floor is a raisin. Seriously. Take it from me on this one.

Absorb the useful advice, and discard the stuff that isn't relevant. People will tell you all kinds of things about how to raise your kid, and you may feel all bug-eyed and frantic to make sense of the conflicting bits of information. (Co-sleep? Cry it out? Ferber? Sears? Cloth? Disposable? Moby? Bjorn?) Just remember, whatever you choose to do with your child, a large percentage of people will inevitably believe that you're wrong, stupid, and really kind of a terrible excuse for a mother. Ignore the asswipes (including me!), keep an open mind, and take only what you need to forge your own path. You're going to do just fine.

What are some of your all-time favorite pieces of parenting advice?

Image via Flickr/seanmcgrath

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