If You Are Not a Parent, Don't Tell Me How to Parent!

Non-parents are notorious for knowing almost everything there is to know about parenting. Their children would never cry in a restaurant or go to a movie before 3. They would never throw a tantrum because she wouldn't "stand for it." How the mighty do fall once they have children. 

I actually enjoy watching people have children who were especially judgemental about parenting. It's funny to watch them think everything is easy at first and then learn that the first year is actually just a light warm-up compared to the real workout. Having children is exhausting and difficult and maddening in a way you can't imagine prior to having them.

Yes, that's right. You can't imagine. No matter how much you like to think you can. Non-parents are notorious for saying obnoxious things, but here are some of the biggest:

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  • "My child would never do that": "That" might be anything from being noisy in a restaurant to coloring on the walls with a purple crayon. Trust me, your kid will. So shut it.
  • "Aren't you going to X?": Yes, my child just made a poopy joke. But I'm not going to punish him for it. I punished him for 10 other things this morning and it's just a poopy joke. If you had kids, you would know how common it is. So shut it.
  • "Wow, I am so glad I don't have kids": We get it. Kids are hard and they look hard, but when you look at our little baby and you say things like that, it hurts us. Yes, even when they have runny noses, boogers in their eyes, and screams on their lips. Keep it to yourself and shut it.
  • "I hate when parents (fill in the blank)": Here's the thing, just because we aren't giving our children a Popsicle to shut them up at the exact moment doesn't mean we never have. Since you don't have kids, you really don't know how you just try to survive from moment to moment. So shut it, please.
  • "Just give him a movie!": Yes, my child's shouting is annoying me, too. And yes, it's making it hard to have a conversation, but the fact is, I don't just stick him in front of the TV and he is my child. No, he shouldn't interrupt, but he also shouldn't be placated with TV so you can tell me about your boyfriend's annoying habit. Shut it, please.
  • "Wow, that outfit is interesting (*smirk)": Have you ever dealt with a 4-year-old's sense of self expression? No? Then be quiet. Why would I want my child to conform to your fashion needs just so you don't make fun of a child? Yes, this is what she wanted to wear, and yes, she looks a little "creative." But you wear black platform slides from 1996, so you have no room to talk. Shut it!

What are annoying things non-parents have said to you?


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