Lesson 18: Pop Quiz: How Well Do You Actually Know Your Kid?

I was going to focus on dads this week, in honor of Father's Day, but when I started my list of “Ways to tell dads apart from moms,” I couldn’t really think of anything past “Usually dads have bigger penises,” so instead I decided to just create something all parents can equally hate ... a quiz showing you just how little you actually know about your kids, which is important because it’s entirely possible that your children are actually burglars, or large raccoons. Let’s just check, shall we?

Add or subtract points every time you can agree with the statements below:

  • “I’ve met my children.” (Add 10 points)
  • “I believe the children are the future." (Add 10 points if you agreed without adding “Teach them well and let them lead the way”)
  • “I’ve seen my children in passing. I think one is named ‘Granite.’ Or ‘Gravy.’ I can’t really remember. Starts with a G, I think.” (Subtract 10 points)
  • “My child is a lot like me, in that I don’t like either of us.” (Subtract 30 pounds)
  • “I remember to feed my child whenever it meows at me.” (Subtract 10 points)
  • “I often confuse my cat for my child.” (Add 2 points for honesty)
  • “My child doesn’t spend all his money on drugs because I give him a family discount.” (Subtract 30 points)
  • “I have attended a Jonas Brothers / Miley Cyrus / Wiggles concert.” (Add 100 points)
  • “I have attended a Jonas Brothers / Miley Cyrus / Wiggles concert while sober.” (Add 300 points)
  • “I know the names of all of the kids in my child’s class.” (Add 30 points)
  • “I only know the hot ones.” (Subtract 200 points)
  • “I have an infant that I’ve snuggled even after 48 hours of no sleep.” (Add 100 points)
  • “I have a toddler that I’ve hugged and consoled even when he’s covered with poop and/or vomit.” (Add 100 points)
  • “I have a teenager, and I’ve never intentionally stabbed them.” (Add 100 points)
  • “I have a grown child and I call them even when I’m not asking them for bail money.” (Add 100 points)
  • “I have a tattoo of my child’s face, because they are that important to me.” (Add 20 points)
  • “I have a tattoo of my child’s name so I can remember it. That’s how I know it’s not ‘Gravy.’” (Subtract 15 points. Unless your child’s name is Gravy. Then subtract another 30 points.)
  • “I have a tattoo of my child’s face on my armpit so that I can grow out my armpit hair and see what they’ll look like when they have a beard.“ (Subtract 10 points if done non-ironically. Subtract 20 points if done ironically.)
  • “I love my child.” (Add 1,000 points)
  • “I love my child almost as much as I love my Xbox.” (Subtract 1,000 points)


Add up all of your points. Now throw them away. Because this quiz isn’t scientifically accurate. Instead go ask your child what’s on their mind right now. And listen. And help. It just might be that you have the answer to your child’s most important questions. Like “Am I worthwhile?” and “Why is high school so shitty?” and “Why did you name me ‘Gravy’?”   

Frankly, we’re all asking ourselves that.

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