5 Tough Kid Questions Answered!

My 5-year-old has been peppering me with the word "why" for 2 years. Sometimes I sort of mentally clap my hands and think, Yay, teachable moment!, even if I have to wing it ("Why is the sky blue? Because the sunlight and air ... reflects ... um, blue stuff"), but other times I find myself reverting to that mom standby: "BECAUSE I SAID SO, THAT'S WHY."

Look, all I'm saying is if I ask you to pick up your #$%&! toys for the frillionth time and you ask why, don't be surprised when I Hulk out on your tiny ass.

Kids ask questions all day long, which is awesome, because their brains are like fascinating little sponges. It also sucks, because it's like living with an over-caffeinated Barbara Walters and sometimes you just want to read a magazine, for the love.

Despite what they say about school tests, your first thought is not necessarily the best answer. Here are five challenging kid questions answered for you, with bonus conversational pitfalls to avoid along the way:


Where do babies come from?
You think: "Babies can happen when a Daddy and a Mommy love each other very much. On the kitchen counter. Doggy-style. While totally naked and shouting 'Harder!' Which is something you put a pretty big stop to, Mr. Coitus-Interruptus."
You say: "A baby grows inside a tiny egg, in a special place inside Mommy's body."

What does privacy mean?
You think: "It means sometimes a person just wants to take a crap in peace, kid. It means stop pounding on the bathroom door and asking me if the poop is coming out. It means NO I DON'T NEED HELP WIPING."
You say: "Privacy is when you need some time to yourself."

Why don't you have a penis?
You think: "Because I was born with the magical ability to put a dirty cereal bowl in the dishwasher instead of leaving it to fester in the sink."
You say: "Girls and women have vaginas, and boys and men have penises."

When is tomorrow?
You think: "Well, when it's tomorrow. Like, when it's not today ... and yesterday is over with. Tomorrow is tomorrow. Jesus, where do you come up with this stuff?"
You say: "After tonight when you go to sleep, when you wake up in the morning, it will be tomorrow."

Why are dinosaurs real but dragons are fake?
You think: "Oh screw this, I'm turning on Sesame Street."
You say: "Hey, do you want to watch Sesame Street?"

What's the weirdest question you've had to field from your kid?

Image via Flickr/Môsieur J

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