The Post-Pregnancy Bucket List

For nine long months I've been dreaming about life with my new baby. I've also been dreaming about a life where I'm back to being not pregnant. I long for the days of true physical autonomy.

Here's my list of 25 things I plan to do when I'm no longer with child.


1. Sleep on my stomach. I think about it all night as I lay awake staring at the unforgiving ceiling.

2. Go on the elliptical machine. I never thought I'd dream of getting back on this torture device, but when I pass the gym, I envy the tortured.

3. Wear lingerie. Good-bye to granny panties -- until I'm a real grandma. Actually, even then I think I'll pass.

4. Get drunk. I don't mean falling down, out of control drunk. I just want to say, "I'm not driving tonight."

5. Go to the movie theater. I just want to sit in one chair for two hours without switching positions 100 times.

6. Throw my Tums away. For way too long, my ever-present Tums have linked me to the fat guy at the diner counter. I don't want to be linked to him. He's creepy and eats too much bacon.

7. Run a marathon. This really won't happen, but I'd like to really be fit. I want a better body than I had before pregnancy. Fine. At least I want the same one I had before.

8. Wear high heels.

9. Wear high heels with a cute dress!

10. Lay in the sun. I always feel like I'm cooking the kid if I lay in the sun. I know it's illogical, but I'd like the freedom to bake my belly.

11. Get those dentist x-rays. I hear they have some way to do it now where they don't even put in the cardboard. Maybe it's been longer than nine months.

12. Go dancing at the gay bar. I want to dirty dance with perfect bodied men who have zero interest in me sexually.

13. Wear a cute bathing suit. I know it's November, but I see my cute suits and I'm excited for spring already.

14. Jeans. I just want to throw on cool jeans that disguise my motherhood.

15. Have sexy sex. No bumps. No awkward positions. No baby kicks. Maybe I'll even take some suggestions from the sexual bucket list.

16. Enjoy a bottomless cup of coffee. When I go out to breakfast, I don't want to switch to decaf after my first cup.

17. Smoke a joint. Don't judge me. It may be legal in California on November 2.

18. Go shopping for normal clothes. I've missed you so much, Anthropologie sale room. So much.

19. Go on rides. There have been so many harvest festivals and amusement park visits where I've waved to my husband and daughter from behind the fence while they enjoy dangerous rides set up by crack heads whose parents are siblings. I want in.

20. Get a deep tissue massage. Go ahead. I want it to hurt.

21. Drink an energy drink. I don't even like them that much, but this entire pregnancy I've been jealous of those who drink them -- even though they are teenagers.

22. Shave my legs with ease. I want to be able to bend over again. For more reasons than shaving, really.

23. Go to Bed, Bath & Beyond without having to use their bathroom.

24. Get up from the couch without grunting. It's getting tired, but I cannot control it. It's automatic at this point.

25. Hand down my maternity clothes. I never liked you. You were always corny even if I tried to tell myself you were chic. You suck. Go make someone else look like a house.

What's on your can't wait to do list once your pregnancy is over?


Image via w00kie/Flickr


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