I recently read a sentimental piece about the 30 things every woman should have and know by 30. Shockingly, I could check many of those items off my to-do list. What's more shocking is that I'm not 30 anymore, not even close.

A whole decade has passed. Where did it go? An amazing husband, multiple careers, a recession, two incredible children, and the blink of an eye later, I'm 40. There are many subtle yet life-changing differences a decade makes, which is why in my attempt to embrace existence (numberically speaking), I wrote this list. (This may not be as sentimental as its predecessor, but hey, I'm a humor columnist.)

By 40, you should have …

Every year around the Oscars, I happen to catch a segment on some fashion show telling me what the newest trend is, based on this year's hit movies. I recall the first of these segments aired a couple years back during a pre-Oscar lineup. I was informed that with the success of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, I would start to see a lot of people in new blockbuster-inspired fashions.

What I loved most was when they mentioned that "even moms could get in on the trend." Really? Even frumpy ol' moms could get in on the crappy trend some PR person thought up to help put tushes in seats? Wow, we moms are lucky. Here are a couple of those fashions touted to us that I find truly ridiculous:

Just when you think you've seen it all, my friends, along comes ...

EYELASH JEWELRY.

This Etsy seller is making quite a splash in the world of, erm, eyelashes, because WILL YOU JUST LOOK AT HER? How does she close her eyes? How can she see? Can you drive in those things? Do they hurt? So. Many. Questions.

And so many eyelash options, too! Check them out after the jump, then tell us in the comments: Would YOU wear eyelash jewelry?

Newsflash! Gwyneth Paltrow admits she isn't perfect, acknowledges fashion faux pas! Shocking, but true. Just days after the Oscars, Gwyneth discussed the infamous see-through goth gown she wore 11 years ago. You remember the one? Black, totally sheer top with no bra, long, heavy black skirt, baffling braided hairdo. Gwyneth doesn't make fashion missteps very often, but when she does... wowza! She goes all the way.

Well, I guess she's finally ready to talk about it -- on the virtual pages of Goop, of course. This week's issue is all about fashion, and she interviews some of her favorite tastemakers (including herself). But the best part, of course, is where she talks about that dress.

During a spa trip for my 40th, it became apparent that when seven moms get together for some R&R, they become alarmists. Yep, we spent much of our "relaxation" time discussing what to avoid and how it could kill you.

I know, you totally want to party with us.

We couldn't even escape our cynical chit chat by catching a flick on pay-per-view. Who was going to risk their lives and touch the germ-laden hotel remote? Someone also mentioned that one should avoid handling menus. Needless to say, this made ordering dinner quite difficult. Thankfully, it didn't hamper the flow of sarcasm and margaritas (my favorite combo).

After my vacay I posted, "A Sarcastic Look at 19 Common Things That'll Kill Ya" and was relieved to learn that I'm not the only lame-o who sits around discussing this crap. So, here's a list of more everyday things I've actually been told to avoid, just don't quote me on the effects.

Reading this list can cause ironic revelations, incontinence, and typhoid:

Michelle Obama has a big butt. That’s not a statement for shock value—it’s apparently a confirmed fact. It’s surely made enough headlines of its own since it’s been in the White House, which has elevated it to the upper echelons of celebrity backsides along with the ones carted around by Beyonce, J. Lo, and Kim Kardashian. She’s not a superhuman Superbowl super-performer or a pop music singin’ American Idol defector, or even a reality show starlet slash famous rapper baby mama. But she’s got a rump that gets people talkin’.   The latest to stumble into Mo (and Mo’) Public Booty Hate is Bob Grisham, head football coach and psychology teacher at Lauderdale County High School in Rogersville, Ala. He launched into a mini-rant about his displeasure over the First Lady’s physique, calling her “fat butt Michelle Obama.” Then he added that he hates queers and doesn’t like to be around them. 

My favorite hoodieIt came out of nowhere. A backhanded compliment like none other. "When I grow up," my daughter told me, "I want to be just like my Mommy. Except the hair. And the clothes. I want fashionable clothes."

Hi! My name is Jeanne Sager, and even my 7-year-old is embarrassed by my horrendous style.

After writing a recent post on things I'd never know if I weren't a Gen Xer, I came to realize that I'm some kind of Generation X genius. I mean, I could be the "Rain Man" of the Gen X set. Seriously, throw some quotes on the floor, I'll tell you who said them. OK, that test may not work as well as it does with toothpicks in the movie.

But I now see that I'm somewhat stuck in the '80s, and I kinda like it there. So I thought I'd share some of the most random stuff I remember as a Gen X poster child.