Yes, Ban Yoga Pants, But First Ban These (PHOTOS)

Lisa Fogarty | Feb 12, 2015 Beauty & Style

A Montana lawmaker named David Moore introduced a bill that called for all yoga pants to be banned from the public because the sight of a woman's shapely, unshapely, or half-shapely derriere clad in tight beige pants could threaten the economy, affect our country's morale, and probably set off World War III. But why stop there? There are a lot of other things that need covering pronto.

We figured we'd help Moore and any other lawmaker who supports the yoga pants ban by providing a list. Do it for all of the men in the nation who can't trust that they'll be faithful to their wives if you don't. Do it for families. And, most importantly, do it for your country.

 

Image via midwestnerd/Flickr

  • Legs

    1

    Image via Splash News

    Yoga pants are the least of our nation's worries. With legs like these running around the streets as if they have the God-given right to do so, women are only asking for trouble. Men are going to catcall. They're going to follow us and tell us to "smile, baby." They can't help it! Stockings aren't enough to stop this madness. We need sweat-ings—the ultimate sweatpants-meets-stockings solution.

  • Shoulder

    2

    Image via Ted Goldring/Flickr

    Women must be taught to stop giving men the cold shoulder. Also, doesn't the curve in our shoulder look an awful lot like the curve of a breast? It's just too risky -- down with off-the-shoulder sweaters and one-shoulder gowns!

  • Ankles

    3

    Image via bluesbby/Flickr

    Once upon a time, women weren't allowed to show their ankles in public. And in some countries, they are still prohibited from exposing this area of their bodies. Since we all know how great life is for these women, do we even need to vote on this one?

  • Clavicle

    4

    Image via Laura Bittner/Flickr

    Doctors see a bone that connects the arm to the body. Men see a sexy siren-of-a-body-part that acts as unassuming as a knuckle. The clavicle secretly drives men wild, and the only way to stop it is by banning tank tops, boatneck sweaters, and -- the worst offenders of all -- bustiers.

  • Lower Back

    5

    Image via Juan Manuel Garcia/Flickr

    Lower back tattoos have long been enticing men, and it's high time they, and the entire lower back region, were officially banned. Of course, there's only one solution to this serious problem: mom jeans. From now on, all women should be forced to wear mom jeans in the cold months and mom jean skorts in the summetime (with aforementioned sweat-ings to hide legs).

  • Lips

    6

    Image via Courtney Rhodes/Flickr

    Lips remind men of ... you know, racy, hot, and bad things. Not only should an immediate ban on red and pink lipsticks take effect (heck, throw in orange and coral to protect fashion-forward men from untoward thoughts). To be safe, women should be forced to wear lip shades so unappealingly unnatural that the only thought a man has when he looks at our lips is: rave.

  • Ears

    7

    Image via Tom/Flickr

    Women get all kinds of adorable little ideas in their heads by listening to the information around them. If you think about it, women's ears are probably responsible for suffrage! They should, therefore, be hidden at all times, preferably with absurd-looking doohickeys and not traditional, super-sexy earmuffs, which should be banned for their suggestive name alone.

  • Eyes

    8

    Image via Courtney Rhodes/Flickr

    Our eyes have a frightening, dangerous effect on men. They wink. They show up one day decorated purple, the next bronze -- you know how men hate our indecision. And lashes! Lashes might as well be the devil's welcome mat. Solution: sunglasses for everyone. No man is safe until every woman resembles Jack Nicholson.

  • Nails

    9

    Image via chloemiriam/Flickr

    I saved the worst for last. Women's nails are the single most dangerous part of a woman's body. Over the years, we women have gotten it into our heads that nails should be used to express our inner thoughts and desires. So, where we used to paint our nails a pretty, dainty, harmless pastel pink, we're now getting creative with words. Slogans. Skulls. Stop the madness by imposing a latex glove law. It's the only way to save civilization.

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