thong
No. Just, no.
So here's a word I was hoping never to read ever again for the rest of my life: Thong. As in, g-string, butt floss, death by panties. It's back, ladies. Or so says our favorite chronicle of misogyny, the Daily Mail. They just ran a story called Return of the Thong Led by bla bla bla, some British model and WAG I've never heard of -- but Rihanna and Miley Cyrus are in on it, too. The point is, the DM provided photographic proof that this instrument of torture is making a comeback. And all I can say is, NOOOOO!!!!

 

Actually, I can say a hell of a lot more than NO. In fact, I feel it's my duty to help shove the thong back into the anals of fashion history. Derr, you know what I mean. IXNAY on the ONGTHAY! I am boycotting this trend out of respect for my ass.

Full disclosure: I do own one pair. (Why am I sharing this information?!? It's none of your business! This job sometimes, I swear, the things it makes me do...) I bought it as a misguided attempt to avoid panty lines. But it turns out they're unnecessary. There are seamless panies out there that will do the job much more comfortably -- and they'll even look better, since you still get panty lines with thongs. You just get those lines in other places.

Or one could go commando. For the record, my acknowledgement that going commando is an option does not qualify as an admission that I have ever done so.

If you've ever worn a thong you know about that awkward chafing. I knew a woman who swore to me that if I'd just wear them for two weeks I would get used to the feeling, but I just don't buy it. Literally, I am not investing in that much underwear just for the experiment.

Now let's deal with the other thong problem: Men love them. I think that peekaboo thong above the jeans looks trashy. But apparently a lot of guys think thongs are hot because OMG, your ass is all out there. (And I'm afraid our discomfort is at least a small part of the appeal...) I still say there are more comfortable ways to do sexy undies -- like those teeny bikini panties that enable ample underbutt. Long live the underbutt! Just as long as I don't have to suffer for it.

There. I'm glad we have this conversation. As you were, ladies. Carry on.

How do you feel about thongs?

 

Image via movethelife/Flickr