‘Thor’ Actress Jaimie Alexander Shows Up Nearly Naked to Premiere (PHOTO)

jaimie alexanderI had never even heard of this actress until this morning. Now? Now I know. Jaimie Alexander wore a naked dress to the Thor premiere. And obviously your first order of business today is to take a gander at that dress and marvel at all that makes it possible. Good Gawd. Remember that Pilgrim-like number Gwyneth Paltrow wore that required some last-minute depilation? You won't after you see Jaimie's Azzaro Couture dress. Here's the weird, thing, though. Because it's all black, and because of the clean, sinuous lines, it's actually somewhat tasteful ... for a dress with a sheer panel running all the way down the front, skimming the top of her pubis, and then turning to continue down one leg. Same deal on the back, only with the right angle, we get some under-ass.

So. This is what we'll all be wearing over the holidays, right ladies? Can't wait to get mine.

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You may be wondering where one wears a dress like this, if one is not a movie star with premieres to attend. Obviously you wear this to your office holiday party! I guarantee, you will get laid, and you won't even have to get drunk first. Don't worry, everyone will still respect you the next morning because it's couture, so ... you're fancy.

I'm thinking this will go over well at your kids' holiday recitals as well. I'm sure it would be appreciated at a Nutcracker performance.

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Now, we've got the venue settled. How are you going to pull it off? Because Spanx ain't gonna cut it with this dress; you can't even wear panties under it. There is no place to hide. You could try just not eating anything ever again starting now and hire Tracy Anderson to work you like a beast for two hours a day.

Failing that, because maybe you have stuff like a job and children, I'm thinking maybe you could tape everything back. You know, take boob tape and pull back all of your waist and thigh and whatever else keeps you from looking like Jaimie does here. Or if that doesn't work, go full-body Spanx. Don't they make a flesh-toned unitard with a belly button painted on? Because they should. Ooh -- maybe that's Jaimie's secret!

No ... I'm afraid that probably is her real body. I'll spare you the part about how she claims she never works out. "People hate me," she admits. Then don't tell us shit like that! Jeebus. Anyway, I just solved your holiday dress dilemma. You're welcome. 

Would you dare to wear a dress like Jaimie's ... that is, if you had a body like hers?

 

Images via Marvel, Splash News

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