Every year around the Oscars, I happen to catch a segment on some fashion show telling me what the newest trend is, based on this year's hit movies. I recall the first of these segments aired a couple years back during a pre-Oscar lineup. I was informed that with the success of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, I would start to see a lot of people in new blockbuster-inspired fashions.
What I loved most was when they mentioned that "even moms could get in on the trend." Really? Even frumpy ol' moms could get in on the crappy trend some PR person thought up to help put tushes in seats? Wow, we moms are lucky. Here are a couple of those fashions touted to us that I find truly ridiculous:
1. "Pirate Couture"
Here's a "mom-friendly" trend: easy to launder puffy shirts (think Seinfeld) with corsets (great for breastfeeding) and comfortable swashbuckling boots. Because let's be honest, moms, nothing wards off stains like extra billowing white silky fabric. And going for a stroll with the kiddo is best done in heavy boots with chains and ties. Yep, when this one came out, I was all in. In fact, I added an eye patch for good measure. Please, we moms never do anything half-assed and who needs TWO good eyes anyway?
2. "Vampire Chic."
The following year I was introduced to this train wreck of the fashion world. Bella and Edward had already invaded my dreams, so why not my wardrobe? Sadly, "Vampire Chic," was not comprised of the trendy clothes the Cullens wore, no, it was more traditional vamp duds -- cloak-like capelets, free-flowing sheer skirts, and more puffy billowy shirts ... all in varying shades of black and blood red.
Another win for the moms. Nothing is as freeing as a cloak with no armholes when chasing a toddler. Which is why I immediately purchased one ... and stapled it to my torso, as that's the only way it would stay on. And what could be cheerier than singing Old MacDonald while freaking your babes out with your dark lips and mournful attire? "With a chirp chirp here and a chirp chirp there, here a chirp there a chirp ... until I squashed that stupid chick and sucked out all it's blood."
3. "Hunger Games Mod"
This last year has been all about multifunctional wear. No, you won't see me at the park in cargo pants, fatigues, or some variation of Doc Martins (I did that, it was called the '90s, I have old flannels and regrettable pictures to prove it).
That said, you may catch me in one of those multipurpose jackets with pockets for your bow and arrow, machete, or sling shot (though I'd most likely use those spaces for my iPhone and eReader, but to each their own). I could even get into the mainstream variation of the residents of District 1: the colorful eyeliners, decorative nails, and hair streaked with pastels (see Christina Aguilera) just give me enough time between work, carpools, errands, and sports to let a manicurist do a Mondrian style painting on all 10 tips and then the patience to let them dry.
So, in the future, I ask that you refrain from trying to sell coordinating fashions to every whimsical movie that hits the box office the way Hollywood sells action figures that coincide with anything rated PG or lower.
Next year, I don't want to be in "Haute Hobbit" or "Oz-tentatious" or "Ritzy Witch."
Any of these look familiar to you?
Image via: Amazon.com