oscarDon't feel too bad for your favorite actor or director on Sunday night if they don't bring home the Academy Award. Even though they might not leave the theater with a golden statue, they're definitely walking away with a golden goodie bag. Reportedly, the 2013 Oscar gift bags have $45,000 worth of swag inside ranging from airline tickets to spa treatments to condoms and cigarettes.

Here's what's in the "2013 Everyone Wins at the Oscars Nominee Gift Bag":

 

  • A $12,000 trip to Australia -- nominees can choose between two luxury resort stays
  • $4,100 one-week all-inclusive fitness and weight loss retreat
  • $600 worth of acupuncture, aromatherapy, and nutrition sessions
  • $850 package of 10 personal training sessions
  • $795 under counter water filtration system
  • $5,000 "Vampire Facelift"
  • $3,000 stay at the St. Regis Punta Mita Resort in Mexico
  • $400 circus lessons for nominee's children
  • $1,800 Heathrow Airport private VIP service
  • $204 custom candle package
  • $120 worth of maple syrup
  • Electronic cigarettes
  • Condoms
  • "The Ultimate Fuzz Remover" lint roller
  • Windex
  • Laundry bag
  • Portion-control dinnerware
  • Combination bracelet-hair tie that goes for $80

Personally, I'm most interested in what "portion-control dinnerware" is. I mean, to hell with Australia, I want to know how my meals can get tinier!

Also, the gift bags are only for the losers in the A-list categories. Sorry, short film nominees!

Lest you believe the gift baggers went all out this year, last year's giveaway was a worth a whopping $65,000 and included a $15,000 bottle of booze. I suppose budget cuts are responsible for the $20,000 decrease in value this year.

A noticeable theme in the bag is, of course, looking and feeling your best, which is, of course, code for looking and feeling your skinniest. Well, everything except for that maple syrup is made to make you thinner. Wait! Maple syrup is used in the Master Cleanse! It, too, is promoting weight loss. Ah, Hollywood, some things never change.

Would this gift bag cheer you up if you lost the Oscar to Anne Hathaway?

 

Photo via dave b/Flickr