My 40th Birthday Gift to Myself Was Botox


Woman 1: Ow, oh, ow ow! Please wait (exasperated)! Let me take a breath.

Woman 2: Give her a sec, Doctor, she almost squeezed my hand off.

Holy shit, what is she doing in there, an amputation?

Cosmetic Dermatologist: Did you have a natural childbirth?

Woman 1: I don't have children.

Cosmetic Dermatologist: Well, when you do, go natural. It'll boost your pain threshold, prepare you for stuff like this. Now, hold still, just seven more.

Seven more?! Of what ... blood sucking leeches to the face? I don't think she can take it. Frankly, I don't know if I can take it. Why am I still sitting here on the table in the room next door? Is looking young that important?

Plus, I didn't have a natural childbirth. I was so over-drugged, someone had to sit on me. I should get my stuff and politely leave the office it took me two months to get into. I'll just look at the receptionist, scream "epidural," and run for it.

But my legs are not responding. I'm sitting here, listening to the woman next door wince in pain, wondering why such a nice office has such thin walls, and waiting for my highly recommended cosmetic dermatologist to come in and assess the damage. How much work will it take to erase all evidence of the fact that I'm turning 40 in a week?

I said it: F-O-R-T-Y. I never thought a number could pack so much punch, but as the milestone draws closer, I find myself reassessing everything -- my professional life, my marriage, the clutter in my house, my choice of nail length, my wrinkles, my glassware. You name it, I've reassessed it.

"Is this where I thought I'd be financially at 40?" "Does my marriage look the way I thought it would look at 40?" "Is this the iPad cover I always thought I'd have at 40?" You know, like that. I've also thought, "Is that WOMAN in the mirror really me?" I guess that's why I'm here -- one day I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize that chick.

All those years we snidely said we'd rather stick a needles in our eyes, who knew there would be something that could make that a true statement? Well, as I have my mini-mid-life crisis, I realize that, for me, the effects of aging have just that kind of power. Nope, I'm NOT going to take this lying down. Well, except for now, because the table has me set at a steep angle. But I will stay on this table -- at this incline -- until someone sticks needles in my eyes. 

And boy did someone do just that: the doctor stuck needles in my eyes, my neck, my forehead, and the bridge of my nose. The pain of Botox isn't so bad, though. I think the pain in my wallet was the sharpest. Now I can worry and scowl all I want and you'd never know it. Hopefully, you can still tell when I'm smiling.

As for the woman next door, I never asked what procedure she was having. I'd like to assume it's something I won't need until I'm at least 50!

Would you do something cosmetic to set back the hands of time, or are you down with aging naturally?

Image via Jenny Isenman

confessions, birthdays, doctors, aging, cosmetic surgery, self esteem, skin, women's issues


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Lovin... LovinJerseyMama

I'm 28 and already scheduling a Thermage procedure for my neck and Botox for a nice frown wrinkle in the middle of my forehead lol. I say do whatever you want that makes you happy, but only turn to cosmetic surgery or procedures when it's your last resort. It's like people who get lipo to lose weight but don't fix the psychological issue that causes the weight gain. If you've already changed your lifestyle but still have a few stubborn pounds or loose skin, then go for the surgery. 

Kzint... KzintiFeline

I am 45 and have pretty great skin, but loathe the jowl areas where there is some sagging.  I wouldn't mind getting rid of those and perhaps perking up the eye area with a little bit of lift.  Unfortunately, I'm undergoing chemo right now, so no surgery for me.

Rhys Branman

There are lots of non-invasive techniques now to hold off surgery. However, as you probably know, for longer lasting results, the deeper surgical procedures make the most difference. Sorry the shots hurt, and happy birthday!

Dr Rhys Branman

Gail Gedan Spencer

I was about to comment and out of the corner of my eye I saw that old lady from "Real Housewives of Miami" who had, let's just say, a bit too much work (or not enough!) done to her face. I've had lasers shot at my face to reduce redness and sun damage but that's about it. I'd do that again in an instant (works instantly and it's permanent).

Karen Baitch Rosenberg

And you didn't record it for YouTube?? Would have expected that from you, Jenny ~ would've gotten more hits than David after the Dentist! Enjoy your expression-less face and please post pics. K.

nonmember avatar Kim

Funny post! I tend toward the natural. Don't wear make up or really do much with my hair. I'm lucky in that I've always looked young for my age - which I suppose means it's going to be even harder to take when those inevitable wrinkles etch themselves deeper. ALl this said, my boobs are seriously suffering from all this breast feeding. I complained about this the other day and he (someone who also tends towards "the natural") responded a little too cheerfully, you could totally get a boob lift! After I got over my little fit of feigning deep offense, I started to wonder how I could actually make this happen...

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