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7 Stages of Swimsuit Selection

by Jill Smokler on June 18, 2012 at 9:35 AM

1. Shock & Denial. This is not my body. This is NOT my body. These are not my boobs, this is not my ass, these are not my thighs. No, no, no. This is not happening.

2. Pain & Guilt. This sucks. What was I thinking eating whatever I wanted for the last few months? I deserve this ass. I deserve this stomach. I suck.

3. Anger. What are you looking at? You've never seen a woman surrounded by 15 bathing suits and three pints of ice cream? Go to hell. You're the one who caused me to look like this. You and your fucking sperm. Go. Now.

More from The Stir: The Worst Celebrity Beauty FAILS!

4. Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness. Why am I sitting here alone? It's because I look like this, isn't it? Nobody wants me.

5. The Upward Turn. It's not even July. I don't have to look like this all summer! I can start a diet now. No carbs. No sugar. Gallons of water. Here I go!

6. Reconstruction & Working Though. OK, so maybe not no carbs. Light carbs. A little sugar. Iced tea.

7. Acceptance. I'm never going to rock the swimsuit again. Pass the Ben and Jerry's. And the cover-up.


Image via uw_digital_images/Flickr

Filed Under: aging, diet, swimwear

Comments

21
  • LveMy...
    --

    LveMy2K1dS

    June 18, 2012 at 9:49 AM

    Nope not me!!  I work my ass off  (no pun intended) and I don't go through that! I may not love it but its definetely not that bad!! :)


  • Evaly...
    --

    EvalynCarnate

    June 18, 2012 at 10:04 AM

    OOOOR, you could not give a f*ck about what everyone else thinks and rock a bathing suit that suits your body :D ... There's really one for every one...


  • Sue...
    -- Facebook comment from

    Sue Fransen Way

    June 18, 2012 at 10:25 AM

    So we should just give up, be unhealthy, and hate our bodies?? What a great message...

    Or, you could get off the couch, put down the ice cream, get out and enjoy life while working up a sweat. Then, at 50+ you could have your 10-15 years younger girlfriends be jealous of you in your rockin' new bikini.... It IS possible.


  • Kristin
    -- Nonmember comment from

    Kristin

    June 18, 2012 at 10:27 AM
    This is my first summer trying on all of my old suits after my son was born and nothing is where it was before so it sounds just like me! Especially the "these are not my boobs!" What happened to them? They don't stay in place anymore. ;)
  • megh
    -- Nonmember comment from

    megh

    June 18, 2012 at 10:37 AM
    Oh so true! The thing is, I go through this EVERY year. You would think I would learn. And, it starts on March with me recognizing that I have 90 days before I need to wear a suit. Thanks for this hilarious post!!
  • Corey...
    -- Nonmember comment from

    Corey Feldman

    June 18, 2012 at 10:43 AM
    I think this was written somewhat tongue in cheek, that said there are certain things in life to accept and certain things not to. We all make choices in life. That does include what we eat and how much and what type of exercise we do.
  • Eques...
    --

    EquestrianMom

    June 18, 2012 at 10:53 AM

    LMAO! I love this, you cracked me up! Thanks!


  • Brigette
    -- Nonmember comment from

    Brigette

    June 18, 2012 at 10:56 AM
    great post! so funny lol. as for those who don't understand humor, take your negativity elsewhere.
  • paige...
    --

    paigeNkeiran

    June 18, 2012 at 11:04 AM
    I don't think the post was meant to be taken literally Sue, excercising your sense of humor might do you a little good.
  • harley
    -- Nonmember comment from

    harley

    June 18, 2012 at 11:39 AM
    Simply hilarious! I love starting my day with a laugh.
1-10 of 21 comments

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