It’s Easier to Find a Millionaire Husband Than a Good Pair of Jeans (OK, Almost)

Rant 13

Jeans
The enemy. Grrr.
You spot them across a crowded sales floor, maybe a congested thrift store rack. Denim works of art. The perfect pair of jeans, if such a thing even exists. Beautiful cut, lovely wash—even the little rivets have panache. You swoop down on them, terrified another stylish shopper will make eye contact with them first, and scuttle them back to the fitting room, ready to make love to your mirrored image from the waist down.

Except they won’t come up past the middle of your thighs. Or they do this weird creasey thing across your hips. Or they pucker out so far at the waist, you look like you’re a little tea pot, short and stout. There is your handle and there is your spout. 

If I never had to shop for another pair of jeans, I’d do two cartwheels, a round-off and a Tae-Bo kick across the mall parking lot. Jeans are a fashion staple and are wonderfully versatile, but next to bras (which belong in the seventh ring of hell), they’re my least favorite thing to look for and sometimes, my least favorite thing to wear. They look nice on the hanger but once I go about putting them on, I set myself up for disappointment.

That’s because the fit is always so ding dang funky. I’ve broken nails trying to zip them up. Played around with sizes because someone, somewhere along the line, thought a size 12 should really be cut like a size 6. Analyzed my hindquarters from every possible angle under the unkind glare of department store fluorescent lighting. Liked the way they fit my legs but hated the way they rode up in the crotch. Liked the way they fit around the waist but hated the way they flattened my rump. Squatted down in them to manufacture some give when they’ve been damn-girl-can-you-breathe? tight. Heck, I’m getting flustered just writing about it and I’m draped in the comfort of my PJs. For now.

If you’re a woman with curves, you’ve probably experienced the deflating realization that most designers have visions of Angelina Jolie or Kate Hudson dancing through their heads when they strike out to create a new line. But newsflash: for at least the last five years, and probably longer than that, the average American woman has been rocking a size 14. You wouldn’t be able to tell by the waif-like sizing of most jeans or the obvious lack of models with meat on their bones.

Someday soon, as Americans get bigger and more women fall into that “full-figured” category, which, at this point, is more the average than the exception, designers are going to have to kick that old school thinking to the curb that jeans need to be straight cut with no flexibility for the hips, thighs, and booties some of us are packin’. Heck, even my skinny and athletically built friends are having trouble finding true-to-size cuts. One is so devastated that she had to go up from a 6 to an 8 that she’s sworn off all kinds of foods and subjected herself to a round of colon cleanses. I’m trying to convince her that it’s not her, it’s the jeans.

Ah, but who’s listening? And for now, it doesn’t matter anyway. Warm weather is almost here, and I’m patiently looking forward to swirling and twirling in the floaty freedom of sundresses and breezy, billowy skirts. For at least three months—if we’re having a real mild year, maybe five—I don’t have to worry about sliding into the evil denim as often as I do in the cold, covered-up time of year. But still, proactivity in the sister of success, so I’d be better off kicking off my search for a brand I can depend on sooner than later and keeping them in the closet for the fall. DKNY used to be my go-to line but something’s awry there now and Levi’s Curve ID was a big disappointment, so I’m taking recommendations from fellow curvy gals.

What jeans work for you? What brands or lines do you think are the most flattering?


Image via Jamiecat */Flickr

body, clothes, denim, shopping

13 Comments

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nonmember avatar Brooke

Seriously, the $12 jeans from forever 21 fit me better than any other expensive brand I have ever tried!

nonmember avatar Jenny

I have a hard time finding jeans that I like, but I've recently had success with NY&Co jeans. They have a lot of stretch and aren't cut too low, so I've been a happy customer.

Stacey. Stacey.

OMG LOL @ squatting in your jeans, I can totally relate. I also have a problem of jeans that fit my waste flatten the heck out of my butt, and jeans that drape over my butt are too big on my thighs and waste. There are certain brands that fit me right, like apple bottom, but I wont wear them because they put their loud ass logos all over the pants.


I usually just go to Burlington or TJ Maxx, take 20 different pairs of jeans in the fitting room, and hope I can find one I like. I'm not loyal to any one brand.

nursemc nursemc

Here's my big gripe with jeans. When did they start putting spandex in all of them? I know, I know they're supposed to hug and flatter your shape that way blah blah blah. But realistically, after about an hour the spandex gives up and the jeans sag in the most unflattering places. I walk around hitching up my jeans like a fat guy every 30 seconds. I end up with what I lovingly refer to as a crotch basket. That's when the jeans sag so far down my hips that I can carry fruit in the crotch. Yeah, that's flattering. And who decided that women with big asses automatically have big tummies? If I find a pair that fits over my thunderthighs, the waist is at least 4 inches too big. Not just jeans but all pants. At least regular pants I can alter but I don't have an industrial sewing machine or the finger strength of Thor to stick a needle through a couple layers of denim.

CoolR... CoolRelax

Get yourself some PZI jeans.  They're built for curvy, bootylicious women.

calim... calimom73

I like Kut sold at Nordstrom. 

nonmember avatar Katie

I am absolutely in love with BIG STAR and BKE (The Buckle's brand). They have so many different fits and styles. Once I find a fit and style I have it written on a card and then when I want new jeans I go into the store and show the card to the sales associate and they find me more just like them or similar. My butt has never looked so good!

Sandra Hurtado

I know this story! I have been a victim of these very same issues! I totally have the solution. Have you ever been to a jeans PARTY?! Everyone loves jeans (even if secretly as you wait to find that magic pair)! I'm in Independent Fashion Consultant for Vault Denim and I'm so excited because I get to feel great in my jeans (or denim capris) every day! I was so sick of sporting "mom" jeans because they fit (sort of) and were affordable. Now I get to buy designer and premium brand label jeans at affordable prices and as a consultant I get to help other women do the same. We offer sizes 0-24 in several designer brands. And you get to try them on in the comfort of your own home (or your friends home). If you want to learn more about Vault Denim, check out my facebook at www.facebook.com/designerdenimchicagowest or email me at SandyHurtado@Vaultdenim.com and I will help you find your local representative. If you want to sell jeans, I can help you with that too!

Also, ladies, do not get hung up on sizes! It's amazing to see the difference of the same size jeans from brand to brand! Do not be afraid to try a size up or down. Also, if there is spandex, make sure the jeans are TIGHT when you buy them so they can stretch to your actual size.

nonmember avatar Connie

One time I got super lucky and found a pair of Forver21 jeans, that lasted me...3 months (I did wear them ALL the time). But that was a long time ago, now I just stick with my indi jeans (www.indicustom.com) they make a pattern for you, and once they have your fit you can change the fabrics and get new pairs. So easy, and I never have to walk into the dressing room with multiple pairs of jeans again.

Momma... Momma2blessed

It gets WAY worse after having kids! Your body shape gets wider one place and squishier in others! I am giving up and just wearing skirts and pants!

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