Search For the Perfect Oscars Dress Foiled By Hooker Heels (PHOTOS)

oscar dress
(Not the Blogger or Her Dress)
It seems a lady cannot buy a pair of dress shoes without them being 8 inches high and covered in sequins. You guys, I'm going to the Oscars and need something to wear that does not make one thing I'm like an escort rented for the night. In fact, while you're reading this I'm most likely lining up for my spot on near the red carpet at the 84th Annual Academy Awards. As the guest of JC Penney (or, JCP) -- one of the big sponsors -- I'm getting an up close and personal view of what goes on down there, and how totally amazing it really is.

Naturally, the second I found out about this, I started freaking out. After all, I'm a mom to two tiny children and I work from home. It's rare that I get dressed before 2pm, so my wardrobe is limited, at best. This means my biggest fear is that I wind up dressed like one of The Real Housewives in the opening sequences, and/or a hooker.

Here's how my fraught search went down.

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Luckily I live in Los Angeles and therefore know people who have attended such events before. The first piece of advice (which I needed, believe me, I needed) was not to go too big. After all, I'm not the one being interviewed, or nominated, or even made fun of by Joan and Melissa Rivers. So my princess gown dreams were dashed. Instead, it was time to think low key, yet glamorous. First stop, my own closet. This is me in my Emmy dress.

oscar dress

My husband won an Emmy a few years ago (that's him, the Emmy winner holding our daughter) and I kind of love this dress. I, however, have had another child since then and am also feeling strapless is not the right move at this juncture. No, I didn't try it on. I'm too scared.

Instead, I hit the BCBG/Max Azaria store where I almost found like five thousand dresses I loved, yet none were quite right. Or they were right, but they didn't have my size and I didn't feel like driving all over LA to find the store that had my size. I have two kids, did I mention that? But here's one I almost liked.

oscar dress

Those are the first pair of hooker heels I encountered on this journey, but much to my surprise it would not be my last. This pair was loaned to me to try on with my dresses, because apparently that's what people do.

More from The Stir: How a Mom Gets Ready for the Oscars (PHOTOS)

(Rant alert) How is it an American woman cannot go to a department store and buy normal heels? WE ARE NOT ON THE POLE, SHOE DESIGNERS. WE WALK PLACES. (Rant over)

Back to the dress search. I also checked out the Barney's Co-Op and found this number -oscar dress

But then I realized it was a little too Heidi Klum in 2009. And unless I have some hooker heels, I probably can't make it work.

Onto my first department store where I decided black is where it was at.

oscar dressBut they all seemed a bit too glam for someone who is going to be on the other end of the camera. (Note, that girl is the same one in the Emmy photo. She has grown almost as much as I have since I last wore that dress.)

Finally, I went to my favorite little boutique, Matrushka, in Silverlake. Definitely for hipsters, not Hollywood stars, yet this affordable, lovely, shop has always had dresses that fit me well, and that I adore. Also it's worth noting that I was not the only lady in there trying on dresses for the Oscars. And that's when I found it: Introducing, the Veronica Lake -

oscar dress

Tada! On to the red carpet, for gawking. Right after I clean out my purse.

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Top image via SplashNews

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