Courtney Stodden Shows Us What Not to Wear Pumpkin Picking

jackolanternsOkay, so you know how, like, everything Courtney Stodden and her creepo husband, Doug Hutchison, do gives you the willies? Yeah, well, they -- she, in particular -- managed to top themselves this weekend by getting kicked out of a pumpkin patch for inappropriate behavior -- and for what Stodden was wearing. Or, more appropriately, not wearing. Bet that's the first time anyone was forced to leave a pumpkin patch on account of a dress code.

Here's what Courtney thought made for a good outfit to trudge through the dust and dirt in search of the perfect vegetable to carve into something vaguely phallic: The shortest Daisy Dukes you've ever seen (honestly, it was more of a denim g-string); an itty-bitty plaid shirt that was pretty much totally unbuttoned and tied into a bow right beneath her boobs; and of course, white go-go boots.  

You might literally die when you see the photos.

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You know, call me a muckraker, but I have a sneaking suspicion that Courtney's number one priority wasn't really to find a jack-o'-lantern-worthy pumpkin. I think she may have been there just to get her photo taken. Otherwise, she would have never dressed like that. Every woman knows there are unwritten dos and don'ts when engaging in pumpkin picking, apple picking, or any other kind of picking. Here are those rules. Written.

Don't wear any kind of heel. Or any shoe you really like for that matter -- particularly if they're white. Pumpkin patches and apple orchards aren't the cleanest of places, and typically they're not carpeted, so your heels are bound to sink into the dirt or grass. I'd opt for sneakers or a pair of Wellies.

Don't wear really short shorts or a really short shirt. The reasoning for this is similar to why one shouldn't wear a pair of nice shoes -- you'll get dirty. But mainly, you will look like a complete and total idiot. 

Do wear a jacket lighter than what you think you need. This is the classic "It's freezing outside, so I'm going to wear my jacket in the mall while Christmas shopping" mentality. Bottom line is, yes, it is freezing outside, but once you start pulling apples, pumpkins, and gourds at lightning speed, you're going to be hotter than a Tijuana whore.

Do wear a scarf. Yeah, I know I said you'll get hot, but scarves are so cute in the fall.

Don't get a horrible fake tan before heading off into the patch. You. Pumpkins. The jokes really just write themselves.

What do you wear to go pumpkin picking? Do you think Courtney's outfit is "inappropriate"?

 

Image via D34n/Flickr

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