Say Goodbye to That Thong Tha Thong Thong Thong

thongGood riddance!Hey! How's your ass crack feeling these days? Mine's great, thanks for asking. Why? Because I gave up on thongs about eight years ago. I had spent four long, painful years enduring the trendy thong movement in high school, and by my freshman year of college, I'd had enough -- I got rid of every last one, and my crack's been thanking me every day, ever since. And a new study I found leads me to believe that your ass is on the mend, too. Thong sales are down 17 percent from their peak in 2003. Ass-toundingly good news!

I don't care two snaps of a g-string what Sisqo thinks about our dumps like a truck, or our thighs like what, from here on out I think we can all agree to never show our thong tha thong thong thongs again.


I am so over them, the stupidest most ridiculous piece of non-clothing there ever was, that it's not even funny. I don't find this to be a laughing matter. Thongs are pure evil. Ever taken a road trip in one? Ever tried working out in one? They're the worst.

I won't even acknowledge that they're good when you want to hide pantylines, because there are full pieces of underwear that are line-less that don't feel like you've got a piece of a wire hanger jammed between your butt cheeks. Thongs serve no purpose. The perm-wedgie experience is not necessary.

I really don't see what's sexy about them either. I find leaving something, anything, to the imagination is sexier than your pale arse flapping in the wind. Unless you've got a butt like Pippa's, I think we can all agree that the thong is maybe the last thing we'd wear to excite anyone.

But you know what? We don't have to worry about them anymore. The bottom has fallen out of this cheeky trend, and I think we're all safe. My boyshorts and I couldn't be happier.

What do you think about thongs?

Oh, and did you really think I wasn't going to include this gem?

Photo via Jennzebel/Flickr

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