5 Surefire Ways to Ruin a Trip to the Mall

crying babyI believe it was Homer Simpson who once said the insightful phrase: "Alcohol: the cause and solution to all of life's problems." And it is I who am saying "alcohol" can also be substituted for "shopping."

There seems to have been a rash of recent articles about women crying in dressing rooms. And not tears of joy. Tears of frustration, hopelessness, and downright anger. I'm a bit reluctant to even go here, as it's sure to conjure up terribly stereotypical, Cathy-like images of women -- of course, bloated from their periods (Where's the chocolate? Aack!) -- weeping on the Macy's floor in a heap of designer jeans. But I am. 'Cause it doesn't have to be this way.


I have never cried while shopping. I have gotten extremely frustrated, but never cried. Seriously. And even the frustrated times are sparsely spaced because I know how to shop. And I bestow my secrets upon you. Here are five surefire ways to make your shopping trip suck.

Go shopping with your dude. Really, just don't. You may walk past happy-looking couples in the mall or on the streets -- guys holding girls' bags, maybe a few are drinking smoothies -- and think, "Aw, I should take John shopping." Don't. That couple is lying to you. Speaking of stereotypes, men do not like to shop, and even the ones who do can't shop like you. Unless your husband's name is Job, he will grow impatient while on your trip. And you will sense it and feel rushed. And then you'll get into a fight.

Go shopping with your friend. If you just want to browse around and gossip like a couple of gals from Sex and the City, have at it. But if you need a dress for tonight, don't do it. Your friend is just going to slow you down. And when your office party is in T-minus three hours, you don't have time to watch her try on straw hats.

Go shopping with something specific in mind. This is a mistake I make from time to time. You see an awesome girl on the street rocking the crap out of some odd get-up, and you think, "I'm going to get something similar for my party tonight." You're not going to find it and you're only wasting valuable time skipping over things you probably will wind up buying.

Go shopping after lunch. Maybe it's the salt, maybe it's the carbs, whatever the reason, things just aren't going to fit right after spending an hour at Stuff Yer Face. Take a light lunch break while shopping. It'll help you get rejuvenated for round two -- and you'll just have burned a ton of calories.

Go shopping while you have your period. You may feel more of an urge to go shopping then, but everybody knows how that turns out.

What tips do you have for a pleasant shopping experience?


Image via emrank/Flickr

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