A few weeks ago I noticed an inch long grey hair growing out of my chin. Perhaps the very reason my husband likes to have sex blindfolded recently (here I thought he was being kinky). Of course, I'm kidding, and not about the grey hair. So I plucked it. But it grew back. So I plucked it again, but this time I took my magnifying mirror and posted myself up next to a window during the daytime. Brightest light you've ever seen.
What was revealed is the thing no woman wants to see. I have a lady beard. It's mostly flesh-colored, which makes me think of a very undesirable reality star, and yes, there are a few grey sprouts along with some jet black Italian fur that I terrifyingly never noticed before.
I have a beard! I told my husband.
I know, he said.
He KNEW? And he still loves me? How did I manage to not see the carpet that adorned my face? Surely it didn't sprout overnight. Perhaps this is a new mom thing with my hormones all out of wack and my eyelashes disappearing and instead the hair is showing up on my cheeks and chin? I mean, I love me some muttonchops, but only on men and people who don't wear lipstick.
I must get rid of this hair, I thought! But tweezing was not an option. Too much, too fine. Wax? No way Jose Feliciano! Hmmm what about threading -- I do love it for my eyebrows when I want to be tortured. I'm already tortured by HAVING THE HAIR. It's a cruel hormonal joke along with the adult acne. Why, goddesses of the Mother Earth, why?
Then I heard about no! no! Hair ($270) -- a pretty pink gadget that looks like a vibrator but nothing you would want to be anywhere near your lady nub. Instead, it's supposed to zap away your overgrown and multi-colored peach fuzz without pain and reduces the regrowth of your hair and its density by up to 94 percent. Lookout Cousin It!
I needed to try it out. For the sake of banishing lady beards (and lady lip ticklers) everywhere. And no! no! sent me their product so I can see if it would help me feel more, ahem, feminine again.
I read the directions, read them again, and let's just say I think I know where the name of the product came from because the first time I tried out the no! no! I was screaming NO! NO! NO! NO! Yes, it scared me. For no good reason except for I am the kind of person easily scared when spiders are near and when things that are supposed to burn the hair off your face are touching my skin. But! This is the beauty of this product -- it singes that unsightly hair so you can be muttonchop free. Mustachioed ladies? This is for you, too. But fuzzy bunnies, the no! no! is a no-no for nipple hairs or anything past the bikini line. Oh hell no! But for removing your feminine facial fuzz, it's perfection! Check out their video.
See how effortless the chicks with the skinny legs make it look? That's exactly how easy it really is. Zap your hair away while looking all sexy. Okay, I didn't get the looking sexy memo, but I did get used to using the no! no! and soon my chicken littles were replaced with Take that you stupid lady beard! Zap zap zap!
But warning: It stinks. Seriously. Have you smelled burning hair before? Or is that just me, Mrs. Beastly Arms who cannot reach across a candlelit table without scenting the room with a little eau de hair? So I tried this.
The no! no! people suggest lighting a scented candle while you de-beard yourself, which to me just makes the whole experience a little more romantic. I mean, ridding yourself of facial hair so you feel sexy again is like buying yourself flowers, so why not also add some chocolates and turn it on. You might turn your lover on, too, with the result. I'm hoping I do now that I'm not the Bearded Lady.
And as far as those reduced re-growth claims? So true. Well I can't vouch for 94 percent or any percent as it's been years since I did real math, but my hair just started returning and my first no! no! was almost four weeks ago. With each new no! no! experience, the hair is supposed to grow back less and less. Later, whiskers!
Have you tried no! no! or other similar hair removers? How do you get rid of your lady beard?