Adventures in Removing My Lady Beard (PHOTOS)

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using no! no! hair removerA few weeks ago I noticed an inch long grey hair growing out of my chin. Perhaps the very reason my husband likes to have sex blindfolded recently (here I thought he was being kinky). Of course, I'm kidding, and not about the grey hair. So I plucked it. But it grew back. So I plucked it again, but this time I took my magnifying mirror and posted myself up next to a window during the daytime. Brightest light you've ever seen.

What was revealed is the thing no woman wants to see. I have a lady beard. It's mostly flesh-colored, which makes me think of a very undesirable reality star, and yes, there are a few grey sprouts along with some jet black Italian fur that I terrifyingly never noticed before.

I have a beard! I told my husband.

I know, he said.

WHAT?

He KNEW? And he still loves me? How did I manage to not see the carpet that adorned my face? Surely it didn't sprout overnight. Perhaps this is a new mom thing with my hormones all out of wack and my eyelashes disappearing and instead the hair is showing up on my cheeks and chin? I mean, I love me some muttonchops, but only on men and people who don't wear lipstick.

I must get rid of this hair, I thought! But tweezing was not an option. Too much, too fine. Wax? No way Jose Feliciano! Hmmm what about threading -- I do love it for my eyebrows when I want to be tortured. I'm already tortured by HAVING THE HAIR. It's a cruel hormonal joke along with the adult acne. Why, goddesses of the Mother Earth, why?

Then I heard about no! no! Hair ($270) -- a pretty pink gadget that looks like a vibrator but nothing you would want to be anywhere near your lady nub. Instead, it's supposed to zap away your overgrown and multi-colored peach fuzz without pain and reduces the regrowth of your hair and its density by up to 94 percent. Lookout Cousin It!

I needed to try it out. For the sake of banishing lady beards (and lady lip ticklers) everywhere. And no! no! sent me their product so I can see if it would help me feel more, ahem, feminine again.

I read the directions, read them again, and let's just say I think I know where the name of the product came from because the first time I tried out the no! no! I was screaming NO! NO! NO! NO! Yes, it scared me. For no good reason except for I am the kind of person easily scared when spiders are near and when things that are supposed to burn the hair off your face are touching my skin. But! This is the beauty of this product -- it singes that unsightly hair so you can be muttonchop free. Mustachioed ladies? This is for you, too. But fuzzy bunnies, the no! no! is a no-no for nipple hairs or anything past the bikini line. Oh hell no! But for removing your feminine facial fuzz, it's perfection! Check out their video.

See how effortless the chicks with the skinny legs make it look? That's exactly how easy it really is. Zap your hair away while looking all sexy. Okay, I didn't get the looking sexy memo, but I did get used to using the no! no! and soon my chicken littles were replaced with Take that you stupid lady beard! Zap zap zap!

facial hair removalBut warning: It stinks. Seriously. Have you smelled burning hair before? Or is that just me, Mrs. Beastly Arms who cannot reach across a candlelit table without scenting the room with a little eau de hair? So I tried this.

The no! no! people suggest lighting a scented candle while you de-beard yourself, which to me just makes the whole experience a little more romantic. I mean, ridding yourself of facial hair so you feel sexy again is like buying yourself flowers, so why not also add some chocolates and turn it on. You might turn your lover on, too, with the result. I'm hoping I do now that I'm not the Bearded Lady.

And as far as those reduced re-growth claims? So true. Well I can't vouch for 94 percent or any percent as it's been years since I did real math, but my hair just started returning and my first no! no! was almost four weeks ago. With each new no! no! experience, the hair is supposed to grow back less and less. Later, whiskers!

Have you tried no! no! or other similar hair removers? How do you get rid of your lady beard?

beauty, hair

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Peajewel Peajewel

Michele, you always manage to make me giggle with your articles!  This seems like a great product.  I do not think I have a lady beard but maybe I better give it a glance to be sure.  Just wondering, how much does this product cost?

Wendy Bowers

you are so funny!!

I have not tried anything, and likely never will. I like the soft fuzzies on my face :P  (they're pretty much invisible to a naked eye, though) 

Cafe... Cafe MicheleZ

I added the price in just now, Pea. It's pricey at $270 but since it removes your hair and reduces your beard growth could be worth it to skip waxing and threading which can add up over time.

steph... stephanie.rose

OMGOSH!  You are hilarious!  I love the pics and your descriptions.  OMG.  BAHAHAHAHAAHA!!  It sounds pretty rad!  Post kids, it's amazing what your hormones do to screw with you!  This is something I might need someday.  *tears*

melan... melanniek

Wonder how it would work for my husband.  He's military and has to shave EVERY day.  Perhaps he would like it for fathers day? LOL

Katt709 Katt709

Wow - I'd love this for my bikini area! I'm so sick of waxing! Too bad it's too expensive. 

AMom29 AMom29

I, sadly, have a dark lady beard and would love to try this.  Talk to CafeMom and do a giveaway, please? :)

Jen Walls

first of all....wth is threading? wow, i am so out of the beauty loop. I just flat out shave once a month. (gasp...did she just say she SHAVES?!?)  yes. I said it. i have been doing it for two years now and i am here to tell you the myth about it coming back in darker and with a vengeance is COMPLETELY FALSE. it is still the same forrest of PEACH FUZZ it always wuzz. shaving has not caused me ANY adverse effects, AND it exfoliates. save yourself the $300 and buy yourself a good razor.


All that said, kudos to the author, this article totally cracked me up while informing me! you go girl!!

MrsNe... MrsNewman

anything on my face i just bleach ... wouldn't go near it with a razor. 

cafemama cafemama

So funny, Michele! Love the photos

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