"Ooh, girl, where'd you get yo weave?" is about to take on a whole new meaning 'cause bitches be stealing hair extensions, y'all.
It's so crazy that it's true. A new crime wave is sweeping the nation, and much to Glenn Beck's surprise, it's actually not gold theft. It's hair extension theft. And every Hollywood actress and drag queen is shaking in her platform wedges right now. Oh, the horror if there ever were a weave shortage! Do you even know how short Kim Kardashian's hair really is? I'm warning you: It's something you can't un-see.
The New York Times (yes, that New York Times) recently reported on the trend, 'splainin' how thousands of dollars worth of hair extensions have been lifted from beauty salons across the nation. A beauty shop supplier in Michigan was even killed during a recent heist! Lisa Amosu, owner of My Trendy Place salon in Houston who was recently robbed of $150,000 worth of extensions, says of the trend:
I heard about it from a couple of different supply companies and customers who said: "Guard your inventory. There's a rash of this going on" ... Whoever did it knew exactly what they wanted. They didn't even bother with the synthetic hair.
Um, obvs, because you can't curl or straighten the synthetic stuff! That s**t will burn! You know that, Lisa. You're not dealing with some lipstick pocketing Claire's Boutique amateurs here. This is real-life, well-thought out stuff. I smell a Ben Affleck movie!
Maybe he, along with, oh I don't know, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Joaquin Phoenix if he can get his act together, are three rough and tumble kids from the wrong part of Boston. Ben, who had to drop out of his final year of college years ago to help his ailing mother, hears about about a big shipment coming in to Southie. He knows stealing the hair and selling it is his only shot back at university, and it is only then that he'll be able to prove to the love of his life, his high school sweetheart who wants nothing to do with him, that he's got his s**t together.
He enlists Levitt and Phoenix, and together, donning weird nun or politician masks, the three pull off the heist. Maybe Matt Damon has a cameo. Ben Affleck directs. It's critically acclaimed, does well at the box office, but is noticeably absent from any of the ballots come awards season. Really, it writes itself.
What do you think of the hair extension thieves? Would you see a Ben Affleck/hair extension heist movie?
Image via Pink Sherbet Photography/Flickr