American women, unite. A challenge presents itself to us and we must rise to the occasion. Or rather, grow to the occasion. Or expand. Or inflate. Anyway, the World Map of the Average Woman's Breast Cup Size is out and bad news, America comes in second. We have the second biggest boobs in the world. The second!
I for one hate losing, so ladies, we must, we must, we must increase our busts. No one likes to be the runner-up, so we need to get out the shake weights and the chicken cutlets if we have to and take the first place trophy away from these countries that tie for first with the biggest bazooms in the Universe.
Guess who's in first place. The ruskies. Yup! Those darn Russians are beating us to a pulp. The average cup size over there is larger than a D, while we here in the States average just around the D size. Know who else is tied for first? Norway, Sweden, and Finland. Who knew Scandinavia was such a hot bed for hot knockers?
(Sounds like Northern Europe is some sort of dream land for us -- move there and your boobs will be huge and you'll get paid maternity leave for a year. Hello, Norway! Or should I say, "Hallo, Norge!")
Do we want to have all those blond bombshells walking around, tits out, putting us Americans to shame? No. So quick, make your fun bags bigger. Let me know if you figure out how.
Even though second is the first loser, at least we're beating China. Or like, slaughtering China. The average cup size over there is an A. Ha! Finally, America is beating China in something. (I'm not sure this is what we'd want to win in, but I'll take it.)
We're also beating Canada, whose average cup size is a C. But really, no surprise there -- we beat Canada in everything, except maybe winter sports that no ones cares about. We're also beating Australia (they're rocking Cs down under), which is good news because they win when it comes to accents, mate. I'm glad we can hold this over their heads.
If the U.S. wants to remain a Super Power, I think it's in our best interest to dominate in each and every comparison category. We can put GDP, education, and obesity rates on the back burner for now -- let's focus on making our nation's hooters as big as they can be. Super size me!
Photo via rileyroxx/Flickr