UBS Dress Code: Bankers, Stop Showing Us Your Thongs

Sheri Reed
11

thong underwearWhen it comes to style, people need serious help. That's why I'm in full support of UBS and their recent release of a meticulously written 43-page dress code to their employees.

Why? Because style is hard enough for everyday life. Throw professional dress into the playing field, and people really lose their minds. Yes, even in banks. "No one can tell I'm wearing Crocs with my business suit. They look like regular shoes." NO, THEY DO NOT. "No one can see my black underwear under my cream suit. It's a thong." YES, WE CAN SEE IT, AND IT UPSETS US ALL VERY MUCH.

Many employees need a thorough and detailed guide. And so the UBS has provided that guide. Let's take a look.

You've seen the terrifying outfits people wear, in earnest, into the three-way mirror room on What Not to Wear. This really isn't uncommon (and some of them are probably bankers!). People seem to fall into three camps: 1) they have no taste, 2) they have no full-length mirror, or 3) they can't see how clothes actually look on them. I'm super guilty of #2. I've worn many an outfit with glee only to come across a photo of myself in the outfit and think, That's what I look like in that outfit! (Note to self: Cowl neck sweaters don't play down large breasts. They enhance them, dummy.)

To help out their stylistically challenged guests, the hosts of What Not to Wear provide them with what? That's right, rules. Precise rules they must follow when choosing an outfit. People need precise rules. Otherwise, they'll try to work in clingy polyester blends at every turn.

Here's just a taste of the UBS Dress Code Bible. And you can bet, every one of these rules came out of an actual instance of an employee partaking in the style horror.

Dos

Women:

  • Touch up hair regrowth regularly if you color your hair.
  • Wear jewels but not more than seven or you might look "fussy."
  • Wear skirts that hit the middle of the knee.

Men:

  • Store your suit on a large hanger with rounded shoulders to preserve the shape of the garment.
  • Wear a wristwatch, as it suggests "reliability and great care for punctuality."
  • Schedule barber appointments every four weeks to maintain your haircut shape.
  • Wear good quality and easily washable underwear that is undetectable.

Don'ts

Women:

  • Wear new shoes.
  • Allow underwear to be seen.
  • Touch up perfume during or after lunch break. (Thank you!)

Men:

  • Wear socks that are too short, showing your skin while sitting.
  • Grow fingernails longer than 1.5 millimeters long.
  • Use tie knots that don't match your face shape and/or body shape.
  • Show five o'clock shadow or excessive facial hair.
  • Wear bracelets or earrings.
  • Use gray-covering hair dyes because "artificial color contrasts excessively with the actual age of your skin."

Everyone:

  • Display garlic breath.
  • Display onion breath.
  • Smoke or display smoker's breath.
  • Exude second-hand smoke aromas from your clothes.

What? This all sounds reasonable to me? What do you think?

 

Image via Victoria's Secret

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