Most respected medical professionals agree with my scientific assessment of babies*, which is that they're totally freaky. According to many new studies conducted by horrified new parents, however, it's becoming clear that babies are also totally disgusting.

(*I haven't actually researched this, but I'm certain it's true. Take a closer look at what your pediatrician is scribbling in that file folder during your next well-baby appointment. You think those are detailed notes about your child's developmental milestones or feeding habits or teething discomfort or whatever, but I'm convinced they're using their Viagra ballpoint to write "INFANT APPEARS TO HAVE NORMAL LEVELS OF FREAKY.")

I know what you're thinking: how can you refer to a tiny helpless baby as disgusting? Listen, I'm not passing judgment, I'm just stating a fact over here. You can cover your loin-fruit in all the adorable outfits and blankets you want, but there's no denying that your amazing baby is also amazingly gross.