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My mom with my 1 week old daughter
Last year I read a piece in the New York Times about Glam-mas -- "thoroughly modern grandmothers" who aren't interested in raising their kids' kids. The article was called When Grandma Can't Be Bothered. I sent it to my mom.
She got annoyed.
I realized after her response that it seemed like I was implying she couldn't be bothered with her grandkids...and that is definitely not the case. What I liked about the article is that it showed how not all grandparents live solely for their grandkids. Meaning, they have their own life, and they live it.
I also thought the word Glam-ma was cute because it made me think of a glamorous grandma, which my mom is, but that's not exactly how the article described them. The piece mentioned Glam-mas who didn't like newborns and were more interested in smoking cigarettes than babysitting.
Yeah, so I kind of screwed up sending that article without explanation.
I believe that just because your child had a kid that doesn't mean your life should now revolve around your grandchild. Unless you want it to. And the parents want it to as well.
But there are those who feel differently.
Some of us expect need the grandparents to watch the kids while we're at work. My mom would sure be cheaper than my nanny, but she doesn't live close by and even if she did I don't think I would ask her to stop her life because I had twins.
There are some grandparents who would be happy to adopt babysit -- stop their lives and do everything for your kid.
There are the buttinski grandparents -- they tell you how to parent, what you are doing wrong, but then they let a three-year-old eat three bags of Pop Rocks ... instead of lunch.
Other grandparents fly off to Europe when their daughter is pregnant like in the movie Away We Go.
And of course there are all the other types of grandparents in between, along with all the different expectations parents have on their parents when it comes to their kids.
I talked to Priscilla, a young grandma, about it. Her son Cody has a daughter, Lily who is 17 months old. Priscilla also has a daughter, Keara, who is 3.
"I know a lot of grandmas think that they raised their kids now they are done and this is their time so they will not take the time to even babysit. I'm not like that. Maybe I would feel different if I didn't have a little one running around but I doubt it. When Lily was born, the first moment I laid on eyes on her I fell in love and my first thought was I had no idea you could have so much love so instantly for a child you, yourself did not give birth to.
I am whatever kind of Grandma the kids want me to be. Like if they ask me not to do something, I try really hard not to do it and if I do, I try really hard not to get caught! I also try not to let them know if Lily did something new. I know that I like to be the one for Keara so if Lily happens to do something I have never seen, I won't tell them. I wait for them to tell me. I don't want them to worry about missing her 'firsts.'
I try hard not to give advice unless they ask for it. Even if I don't always agree with the way they are raising her, I think that the two of them are doing a heck of a job and I am so, so, so proud of them. They are great parents and I am truly blessed that they allow me to be as involved as they do."
Priscilla and her family have a great system worked out -- and everyone communicates well ... which is what seems to be missing a lot of times in some parent/grandparent relationsips.
It isn't always easy to accommodate everyone's expectations. And grandparenting definitely means different things to different people.
What do you expect from your parents when it comes to grandparenting your baby?
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Comments (19)
I really don't expect much. Right now my mom is sick so I don't expect anything from her. Neither sets of grandparents live close so all I want is for our son to know who his grandmas and pappies are ;)
I feel that they have already done their job raising their kids and why make them raise ours? We chose to have a baby.. so its on us now. I don't like how some parents just give their kids to their parents for whatever reason and expect them to be there at every beck and call so they can go do what they want. Get what I am saying? I could go on and on about this but I wont.. lol.. we know a couple that give their 2 kids to their parents EVERY weekend so they can go out and party...drink... whatever. I think its lame.
I always expected that my mom would want to watch my kids but nothing more. Unfortunately she died shortly after my first was born. She was all ready to be the involved gramma and had volunteered to babysit so both me and my husband could work. It just didn't work out that way.
I learned to expect almost nothing from my dad. After my mom died he was great with the baby. He avoided changing diapers and feeding her but he loved to just hold her and rock her and it was so sweet. Then he found out I was pregnant with #2 (when the oldest was just 7 months) and it all stopped. He ignored her and treated me like crap. When the 2nd baby came he refused to even look at him. He held my son for all of 5 minutes in the first 15 months of his life and would ignore him when my son would run up to him trying to give him a hug. It was so heart breaking (especially since we lived with him so the kids saw him every day).
He's changed a lot since then but he still doesn't babysit so we can have fun. He'll watch the kids in an emergency or for Christmas shopping and he'll watch the youngest while the other kids are at school so we can grocery shop but in the last 10 years he's watched them twice so we could go out on a date (once in 2000 when it was just the oldest and then in 2009 so we could go out for our 9th anniversary). Otherwise he's a typical spoil 'em rotten Papa...as long as I'm not far away.
justanotherjen...wow. Your comment got to me -- actually brought tears to my eyes. Hugs to you!
Steph...I'm sorry to hear your mom is sick. And yes, I do get what you are saying. Agree how it really depends on the situation and expectations. Heavy emphasis on the word expectations.
Really great comments -- made me think.
Well, since my husband's mom passed away before the baby was born and she would have been the only "local" grandparent - I have no expectations. My parents and my grandfather live about 5 1/2 hours away - we try to take the baby to see them at least once a month so that they have a relationship with him. My brothers live in California and Texas with their children (1 on the way) and my mom WILL NOT fly so this is the only grandchild she can see regularly.
i dont expect for my parents to stop living just becuase i had a child. hes my kid, im going to raise him and they get to spoil him
Grandparents and just like parents- each one will have their individual style, and they have never ever always fit into the same cookie cutter role. What do I expect from my childs grandparents? Love, and the desire to see/spend time with my children. Not to say that they always have to drop everything to see them, but that they actively make time in their life to include their grandchildren.
I.E. aside from going over to my grandmothers house occasionally when I was little- she would take each of us out to eat for our birthdays, and then to the bookstore. She was there for holidays. But she lived (still lives) a very active life, seperate from family functions.
Family, IMO always comes first when there is a need. I don't expect anyone other then myself and DH to be there ALL the time. But their presence is expected to be known, kwim?
i don't expect much, my mom, who's the closest parent for hubby and i living two floors away, does not want to take care of Kathleene every minute, she still works and loves it and once in a while she will ask for Kathleene to keep her overnight. if i need to do something and she is home i'll leave Kathleene with her as well, but it is not something i look forward everytime. I also think we don't expect much because Kathleene is now 3 yrs old and she can express herself very good when it comes to wants and needs.
I still say Glam-ma sounds like a good thing. It sounds like a hip, cool Grandma. I think we need to change the name to Greed-ma! I don't know.
Thanks Michele for letting me be a part of this article. Now lets just hope Adrina doesn't come along and read it and disagree with me! hee hee
I don't expect anything from my daughter's grandparents, but I definitely get a lot. I bring my daughter to work with me almost everyday, and since my dad is my boss she sees him all day long. He takes her out on deliveries or whatnot, brings her to his lunches (lucky!), and will take her 1 evening a week to his house. My mom has been there for me since she was born (literally, she was in the delivery room!), and will watch her when she has a day off work, or stop by after work in the evening to say hello. My mother-in-law is just as awesome, she works Monday thru Friday all day long, but will take Aiyana either Saturday or Sunday for the whole day, I just pick her up right before bedtime:) They have all been very helpful, especially since I became pregnant with #2.
My parents are weird. When we first moved back to this area 2 1/2 years ago my mom wanted to watch them for us, so we went out twice for a date and both times we had to come back early because the kids were crying and not enjoying themselves. My mom is no the kind to sit and play with them either so I think that makes a huge difference.
My husband's parents on the other hand are great. They take them whenever they can for us, never had any problems with them wanting to stay.
My older sister used my parents a lot for baby sitting because they always had lack of funds to pay for a baby sitter. My mom didn't mind much but you could tell it got old after a while. I vowed that I would never do that when I had kids and I haven't.